Experienced Elementalist
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This was a story I wrote for an assignment in my freshmen year of high school and I got a C- on it and I don't feel like it was worth that. I was wondering what the RaGEians thought about this story. Give true feedback please, thanks!
The Murder of Emily Hanson
It's a dark, rainy night, a 94' Blazer pulls to a stop in-front of a raggedy, old apartment building. The door slowly opens as the cocking of a gun is heard and a relativity tall man in a dark leather trench-coat gets out of the truck. The man walks in to the front desk and asks the lobby-man which apartment Emily Hanson lives in. The lobby-man points him to apartment 143. The wet trench-coat of the tall man drips on the royal red carpet as he walks up the creeky old stairs. The tall man knocks on the door of the apartment numbered 143 as Emily quickly opens the door. The only thing heard for the next couple of seconds is a slight whisper from the man then a quick muzzle-flash is echoed through the room as a wind of heat is felt. Three gun shots are blasted from the gun. The impact of the bullets caused Emily, who seemingly instantly died from the gunshots, to fly back and slam into her river-side window. Her lifeless body is left to float upon the freezing cold Ohio River. The mans pace is quickened as he runs down the stairs. The lobby-man attempts to stop the tall man from escaping but is greeted with a jab to the face and with no hesitation, the gun is slammed into the lobby-mans forehead, knocking him unconscious and causing amnesia. It takes the police less than three minutes to respond with squad cars on scene. The only suspect? George Hanson.
The thunderous echos from the gavel on the wooden plate are heard as all is brought to silence. The courtroom formerly struck with commotion is now following it's scheduled tasks. All silence in the room is quickly broken as the security guard reads from a teleprompter, “The accused of the murder of Emily Ann Hanson, George Lee Hanson, shall now rise and come forth to present his story to the court in-front of Judge Hamilton, representing the state of Ohio.”
George nervously rises out of his chair with the help of his attorney and begins frantically walking in what almost seems like putter-patters as sweat streams down his face. He sits in-front of the court with everybody staring at him and begins to speak, “May I have a glass of water?”, George questioned fearfully. The now silent security guard brings George a cup filled to the brim of ice cold water.
With a quick gulp, George takes what seems like a sip of water, yet leaving the glass half-empty. Quickly following George loudly and gladly pronounced, “On September 14th of last year I was accused of murdering my dear younger sister, Emily Hanson, may her soul rest in peace. The problem with such accusations is that I have no motivation for slaughtering my only family and you have no absolute evidence.”
The audience is heard murmuring to the people surrounding them. A man arises from the crowd and loudly pronounces, “You're lying out of your butt, George. You had plenty of motivation, you were angry that your father's Will left Emily everything and you got nothing. You murdered her out of pure greed, don't even deny it.”
George, leaping forward practically screaming out of anger, “I loved my sister! I had NOTHING to do with her murder!” His hands clutching the wooden desk as he plumps down in his seat. He slowly finishes off the water in his glass to calm himself down.
The man remains calm staring at George in utter disgust then begins to speak, “Well, if you didn't kill Emily, who else would of? There is nobody else with the motivation to end the young woman's life.”
George gives the man what looks like a death stare after whipping his curly dark hair out of his eyes. The feeling of disgust and a fever is tainted through out the courtroom as George finally opens his mouth with the claim,“You did, Josh.” finally identifying the, once, unknown man accusing George.
The courtroom is struck with complete silence as everybody stares in awe of the accusation.
“Hamilton! How dare you just sit there and let this... this.. murderer accuse me of something so absurd?” Josh questioned.
Judge Hamilton ponders for a moment, staring around the room before finally stating the simple fact, “No evidence was presented to prove Mr. Josh Clayton's allegations against Mr. George Hanson.” As he finishes the sentence, Josh swiftly turns his head and begins to speak to the Judge, “But there is enough substantial evidence to prove the accused of murdering Ms. Hanson.”
Judge Hamilton stares at Josh indifferently before speaking, “If there is evidence, present it now or you shall be escorted from the courtroom.”
Josh turns his head away from Hamilton, ignoring him completely. “George, please present your story now.” Josh said disgusted at the lack of respect being shown.
George smirks, pulls out a folder, and begins studying the contents inside. “You and Ms. Hanson, my sister, have been on and off of a secret relationship for the past year and a half now.” George replied, as Josh stares at George in mere shock of his secret being blown before stating, “Yes... yes, me and Emily had planned on marrying this fall. What exactly are you trying to get by stating this, George?”
George's expressions show relief for the first time since court began as he states, “And you were aware that Emily had just inherited several millions of dollars that she had planned on donating to charity. You were also aware that Ms. Hanson was three months pregnant, were you not?”
Josh's jaw quickly dropped. He is in disbelief but keeps his calm enough to say, “I was not aware of such. But is this my case or your case? It feels like you're interrogating me.”
George quickly responded, “Since when is court an interrogation?”
Josh begins to pace slowly around him, itching his muscular forearms and staring deeply at George, “Be realistic George. You had everything to gain from killing your sister. You knew you would inherit the money.” George just laughs and replies, “You think I care about money? I've figured you all out Josh. You killed her because her Will left everything to you, her fiancee. You would of gotten the money and used it to build your business that you've always wanted to build. $12 million dollars can go a long way.”
Josh quickly changes his entire mood and becomes angered at George and replies in acknowledgment, “Oh? So you have figured me out. You've finally realized it. You were always dumb George, ever since we were little kids playing in the park. You were always the stupid imbecile. Now it is my time to shine.” Josh quickly reaches for his lower back and pulls out a .357 caliber colt python from under his shirt that was tucked away in his belt. He swiftly cocks the gun and announces, “Goodbye, George.” All is quiet until nothing but a loud bang is heard, with a wave of heat fogging the room. Josh Clayton falls to his knees as one last gunshot is fired. A hooded woman is standing in front of the now open courtroom doors holding a 9mm pistol. She uncloaks herself and states, “Payback is a witch.” The woman is Emily Hanson, alive and breathing.
Cody
The Murder of Emily Hanson
It's a dark, rainy night, a 94' Blazer pulls to a stop in-front of a raggedy, old apartment building. The door slowly opens as the cocking of a gun is heard and a relativity tall man in a dark leather trench-coat gets out of the truck. The man walks in to the front desk and asks the lobby-man which apartment Emily Hanson lives in. The lobby-man points him to apartment 143. The wet trench-coat of the tall man drips on the royal red carpet as he walks up the creeky old stairs. The tall man knocks on the door of the apartment numbered 143 as Emily quickly opens the door. The only thing heard for the next couple of seconds is a slight whisper from the man then a quick muzzle-flash is echoed through the room as a wind of heat is felt. Three gun shots are blasted from the gun. The impact of the bullets caused Emily, who seemingly instantly died from the gunshots, to fly back and slam into her river-side window. Her lifeless body is left to float upon the freezing cold Ohio River. The mans pace is quickened as he runs down the stairs. The lobby-man attempts to stop the tall man from escaping but is greeted with a jab to the face and with no hesitation, the gun is slammed into the lobby-mans forehead, knocking him unconscious and causing amnesia. It takes the police less than three minutes to respond with squad cars on scene. The only suspect? George Hanson.
The thunderous echos from the gavel on the wooden plate are heard as all is brought to silence. The courtroom formerly struck with commotion is now following it's scheduled tasks. All silence in the room is quickly broken as the security guard reads from a teleprompter, “The accused of the murder of Emily Ann Hanson, George Lee Hanson, shall now rise and come forth to present his story to the court in-front of Judge Hamilton, representing the state of Ohio.”
George nervously rises out of his chair with the help of his attorney and begins frantically walking in what almost seems like putter-patters as sweat streams down his face. He sits in-front of the court with everybody staring at him and begins to speak, “May I have a glass of water?”, George questioned fearfully. The now silent security guard brings George a cup filled to the brim of ice cold water.
With a quick gulp, George takes what seems like a sip of water, yet leaving the glass half-empty. Quickly following George loudly and gladly pronounced, “On September 14th of last year I was accused of murdering my dear younger sister, Emily Hanson, may her soul rest in peace. The problem with such accusations is that I have no motivation for slaughtering my only family and you have no absolute evidence.”
The audience is heard murmuring to the people surrounding them. A man arises from the crowd and loudly pronounces, “You're lying out of your butt, George. You had plenty of motivation, you were angry that your father's Will left Emily everything and you got nothing. You murdered her out of pure greed, don't even deny it.”
George, leaping forward practically screaming out of anger, “I loved my sister! I had NOTHING to do with her murder!” His hands clutching the wooden desk as he plumps down in his seat. He slowly finishes off the water in his glass to calm himself down.
The man remains calm staring at George in utter disgust then begins to speak, “Well, if you didn't kill Emily, who else would of? There is nobody else with the motivation to end the young woman's life.”
George gives the man what looks like a death stare after whipping his curly dark hair out of his eyes. The feeling of disgust and a fever is tainted through out the courtroom as George finally opens his mouth with the claim,“You did, Josh.” finally identifying the, once, unknown man accusing George.
The courtroom is struck with complete silence as everybody stares in awe of the accusation.
“Hamilton! How dare you just sit there and let this... this.. murderer accuse me of something so absurd?” Josh questioned.
Judge Hamilton ponders for a moment, staring around the room before finally stating the simple fact, “No evidence was presented to prove Mr. Josh Clayton's allegations against Mr. George Hanson.” As he finishes the sentence, Josh swiftly turns his head and begins to speak to the Judge, “But there is enough substantial evidence to prove the accused of murdering Ms. Hanson.”
Judge Hamilton stares at Josh indifferently before speaking, “If there is evidence, present it now or you shall be escorted from the courtroom.”
Josh turns his head away from Hamilton, ignoring him completely. “George, please present your story now.” Josh said disgusted at the lack of respect being shown.
George smirks, pulls out a folder, and begins studying the contents inside. “You and Ms. Hanson, my sister, have been on and off of a secret relationship for the past year and a half now.” George replied, as Josh stares at George in mere shock of his secret being blown before stating, “Yes... yes, me and Emily had planned on marrying this fall. What exactly are you trying to get by stating this, George?”
George's expressions show relief for the first time since court began as he states, “And you were aware that Emily had just inherited several millions of dollars that she had planned on donating to charity. You were also aware that Ms. Hanson was three months pregnant, were you not?”
Josh's jaw quickly dropped. He is in disbelief but keeps his calm enough to say, “I was not aware of such. But is this my case or your case? It feels like you're interrogating me.”
George quickly responded, “Since when is court an interrogation?”
Josh begins to pace slowly around him, itching his muscular forearms and staring deeply at George, “Be realistic George. You had everything to gain from killing your sister. You knew you would inherit the money.” George just laughs and replies, “You think I care about money? I've figured you all out Josh. You killed her because her Will left everything to you, her fiancee. You would of gotten the money and used it to build your business that you've always wanted to build. $12 million dollars can go a long way.”
Josh quickly changes his entire mood and becomes angered at George and replies in acknowledgment, “Oh? So you have figured me out. You've finally realized it. You were always dumb George, ever since we were little kids playing in the park. You were always the stupid imbecile. Now it is my time to shine.” Josh quickly reaches for his lower back and pulls out a .357 caliber colt python from under his shirt that was tucked away in his belt. He swiftly cocks the gun and announces, “Goodbye, George.” All is quiet until nothing but a loud bang is heard, with a wave of heat fogging the room. Josh Clayton falls to his knees as one last gunshot is fired. A hooded woman is standing in front of the now open courtroom doors holding a 9mm pistol. She uncloaks herself and states, “Payback is a witch.” The woman is Emily Hanson, alive and breathing.
Cody
Nice job
