Girl Problems

[Rishwin]

Everyone has them but now it's my turn... I've asked my mates but their responses are always biased, i need more input on what i should do it's really ripping me apart. Be warned this may turn out to be quite long.

Firstly i'll start off with the background story : about 2 years ago i met "A". We became friends and then one of her friends "B" started to hang out with us too. I started to like "A" and 4 months later decided that i should ask her out. But quite literally the day i was going to, "A" tell me that "B" wants me to ask her out. So at this point i simply could not bring myself to say "no i'd rather ask someone else out" since she was now a good friend of mine too, so i said OK and asked "B" out.

Things were going fine with "B" for about 6 months before it became apparent (to me at least) that we weren't perfect for each other. However at that point i had my house fire and car accident so i stayed at her house for a while till i got back on my feet, and could not break up with her then cos I now owed her. Few months pass and her family decides to move to a different state. She tells them that she wants to stay here with me instead and since i owed her for letting me stay with her, i had to say yes. For the next 8 months she stayed with me (she is 17 so still at school) until she finally moved into a place of her own. Those 8 months were horrible, we had a major fight almost weekly but we always made up and still stayed together. A big factor towards this is that she has had an extremely abusive past so I am the first guy who has been this caring towards her and she doesn't want to let go.

Now almost the entire time i have been with "B", i have still had feelings for "A". I did not realize this until "A" starts going out with someone (they broke up a while ago shes now single) and for some reason i felt really jealous and felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Now i really think it is about time i break up with "B" but i cannot bring myself to do it cos she gave up being with her family to be here with me. Also please keep in mind that when i say "break up" i do not mean to forget and ignore her completely, i will still be here as a friend and help her in whichever way she needs. She is starting her College here next year in January and i think that if i break up with her she'll do something drastic like move back to her family and by doing so she will lose her place at College and have to pay alot of money to her Real Estate Agent for breaking her tenancy lease.

I have sent a message to "A" explaining what has happened and just asked her what the answer would have been if i had asked her out instead 19 months ago. I do not want to ruin "B's" life or her chance at College, but at the same time i don't want to be miserable like I am now for much longer. I do not want to be with "B" anymore but i don't want to ruin their relationship; i'm not sure how she would react if i went out with "A" considering they are/were best friends. What to do?

[MentaL]

[Hammad]

That "A" and "B" stuff really makes it confusing. Just tell "B" that you still love her, but someone you have loved for longer is "taking over" the love you have for "B". (SEE?! It's so confusing, I'm confused.). Say to her you will still be there for her, like an older brother or something. I did something similar to that, it worked out for me.

[YouAreNotBob]

Personally, I'd just tell "B" I'd like to be friends with her, or its not working out. Tell her she can stay for a while until she gets a place to move into. Let it cool down for a bit, and let "B" settle in then do whatever you want. Though it'd be pretty bad if she found out you liked "A" at first but she convinced you into asking "B" out. Just explain it to her, and hopefully everything that you want to happen, falls into place?

[alexdesire]

Well imo you if you felt strongly about "A" you should have said something to her insted of asking "B" out.

Atm your in a tight spot but you've got to tell her everything it'll hurt her but in the long run it will be for the best.

[Vendaku~Metal]

Rish bro. Why not just tell her the truth? Exactly how you explained it here. It's awkward and its something you won't want to do mate but hey, if you're miserable like this. You can't live like that.

[theninjaway]

What Hammad said, you can only tell her the truth, otherwise the feelings for "A" will eat away at you.

[Rishwin]

That "A" and "B" stuff really makes it confusing. Just tell "B" that you still love her, but someone you have loved for longer is "taking over" the love you have for "B". (SEE?! It's so confusing, I'm confused.). Say to her you will still be there for her, like an older brother or something. I did something similar to that, it worked out for me.

"A" is the one i have feelings for and met first, "B" is the one i met second and am currently going out with.

Thing is that i have feelings for her... doesn't mean that she has feelings back (i will know soon when she replies). Even if she does, there is no guarantee that the relationship will work out (although we have ALOT more in common than me and my GF do).

Well imo you if you felt strongly about "A" you should have said something to her insted of asking "B" out.

I know but i was friends with both of them and thought it would be better to go out with her for (what i thought it would be) a short while as apposed to saying "no" and getting feelings hurt.

Rish bro. Why not just tell her the truth? Exactly how you explained it here. It's awkward and its something you won't want to do mate but hey, if you're miserable like this. You can't live like that.

She is ignorant and stubborn and probably partly suicidal. If she even thinks that the reason we are splitting is due to me wanting to be with her friend, that is going to ruin their relationship, our relationship, and her friend won't go out with me if she knows that i hurt her feelings like that.

I have ot make it clear that the reason we are splitting is due to something other than me wanting ot be with someone else. And it's true, even if there wasn't someone else i would still want to break up it is way too stressful being with her, but the fact that there is someone else is just making me want to speed the process along but it clouds my judgment too.

[LOLcats!]

Yeesh man, that sounds like a load to deal with. Let me tell you a story of mine (keep in mind I still lived in Switzerland when this happened)- I had a girlfriend, since the 8th grade. Im 20 now, so I make descisions for myself. Only 2 months ago I had to break up with her because I was moving to New York. But you know what? She didn't actually care, because she was dating another guy behind my back. I was happy that I left to New York at that point. Now, I don't know if you intend on moving anytime soon, but if thats the case, admit to her that you liked "A" all along, and she won't care seeing as your leaving. If your not moving, im lost.

[GohanSSJ]

I'll put this as simple as can be... don't be with someone you don't want to be, it's not good for you, and it's not good for her.
What A would say or wouldn't say is completely irrelevant, if you want to base your choice on whether another girl would take you or not is completely ridiculous, i do get that you don't want to be alone, but seriously, you should never be with someone that you don't feel right about.

I'm ofcourse not talking about that everyone should break up if it gets tough, but when you know there is no future, then end it, there will always be something in your or her life that will make it hard, hell it will be hard no matter what the circumstances are.

Oh and to add something. People say you should fight for a relationship, which is true, but never fight for love itself, love can't be forced.

[Negata]

Oh yeah, that feeling. Got the t-shirt and all. It doesn't sound like staying with B is an option to you, so eventually she (B) will get hurt anyways, might as well end both of your pain right now and save some time and give both of you a chance to be happy again. Like Gohan said, what A thinks is irrelevant, and so is whatever decisions B will make after. Not your responsibility.

[KyleEnos]

I'm not really good at these things. I know what you want me to say, but, I'll be the one who'll say what's genuinely going to help you progress in life.

Don't take relationships seriously. I mean, yes, now you think "Oh lawdy, my life's in turmoil; I can't decide who I want to spend the rest of eternity with!". I'm guessing, in 5 years time, you'll be in a completely new and different stage of your life, and none of this will matter.

Whatever you do, it's not going to be the right decision; the right decision is that you choose the right girl, you're both in love for the rest of your lives, and in complete happiness. But then, there's always someone else who is hurt by your actions. And if you live in complete happiness 24/7, is it really right? I mean, we're taught that happiness is what we live for, but aren't mistakes just as, and sometime, more so important than happiness? We learn from our mistakes.

Therefore (imo anyway), there are no wrong or right choices. There is no relevance to this, importance to that, etc. Just do what you want, and try skipping the typical teen/young adult angst and stereotype.

If I sound condescending btw, it's because I'm an asshole.

[iNs@nE]

WE really need to talk but not here. Probably over MSN. I'll pm you sometime. :( ..
I know how this feels man. I came out a 4 yr old relationship ... with almost similar situations like yours and thing were exactly like you mentioned.. :(
The only thing I can say is let go before its too late. Rather be hurt now than totally break down later. :(
MSN FTW!

[GohanSSJ]

I'm not really good at these things. I know what you want me to say, but, I'll be the one who'll say what's genuinely going to help you progress in life.

Don't take relationships seriously. I mean, yes, now you think "Oh lawdy, my life's in turmoil; I can't decide who I want to spend the rest of eternity with!". I'm guessing, in 5 years time, you'll be in a completely new and different stage of your life, and none of this will matter.

Whatever you do, it's not going to be the right decision; the right decision is that you choose the right girl, you're both in love for the rest of your lives, and in complete happiness. But then, there's always someone else who is hurt by your actions. And if you live in complete happiness 24/7, is it really right? I mean, we're taught that happiness is what we live for, but aren't mistakes just as, and sometime, more so important than happiness? We learn from our mistakes.

Therefore (imo anyway), there are no wrong or right choices. There is no relevance to this, importance to that, etc. Just do what you want, and try skipping the typical teen/young adult angst and stereotype.

If I sound condescending btw, it's because I'm an asshole.

There is a righ and wrong decision, staying with someone that you don't want to be with is the wrong decisions, doing whatever you can to find happiness is the right decision.

[Rishwin]

I'll put this as simple as can be... don't be with someone you don't want to be, it's not good for you, and it's not good for her.
What A would say or wouldn't say is completely irrelevant, if you want to base your choice on whether another girl would take you or not is completely ridiculous, i do get that you don't want to be alone, but seriously, you should never be with someone that you don't feel right about.

I'm ofcourse not talking about that everyone should break up if it gets tough, but when you know there is no future, then end it, there will always be something in your or her life that will make it hard, hell it will be hard no matter what the circumstances are.

Oh and to add something. People say you should fight for a relationship, which is true, but never fight for love itself, love can't be forced.

I know, that is not the reason (and i'd feel like a right bastard if it was), for some reason whatever feelings i have for her make me want to rush into breaking up with my GF... but it may be just what i need considering i have been trying to do so for almost a year now...

And yes i realize fights here and there help strengthen a relationship but i'm talking about 2 major arguments a week. the kind of arguments where most guys would say "fuck it" and walk away. I just can't do that knowing the consequences it will have for her.

Oh yeah, that feeling. Got the t-shirt and all. It doesn't sound like staying with B is an option to you, so eventually she (B) will get hurt anyways, might as well end both of your pain right now and save some time and give both of you a chance to be happy again. Like Gohan said, what A thinks is irrelevant, and so is whatever decisions B will make after. Not your responsibility.

Yeh i know it sounds like a cliche scenario but all the things she will probably lose if we do break up is what is making it so hard for me to do it.

WE really need to talk but not here. Probably over MSN. I'll pm you sometime. :( ..
I know how this feels man. I came out a 4 yr old relationship ... with almost similar situations like yours and thing were exactly like you mentioned.. :(
The only thing I can say is let go before its too late. Rather be hurt now than totally break down later. :(
MSN FTW!

I'm on msn now you ning :P

[kuribohgx]

I still don't understand why you asked "B" out in the first place. As for feelings, I don't care if I hurt feelings. Thinking about others feelings is a drawback and slows people down.

[Deva]

Well tbh just take A out of the scenario, your decision shouldn't be based on whether you want to be with her anymore or not and you shouldn't let someone else (especially her friend) influence you in any way. Because no offense, the chances are she wont get with you now especially if you break up with her friend. If it were any other circumstance if I were you I'd break up with her if I was that unhappy, but then again she's helped you through a lot of shit so it's going to be a downer for both of you either way - finishing with her will probably be less harmful because it'll be over with and sure the following months will suck ass, but you'll get over it easier. However, if your that unhappy it's not going to be that long before she either catches on to how you feel about being with her and I'm sure that'll be more painful and make you both suffer in the long run. Sorry my wording kind of sucks, but tbh I'm not sure what to say I've only been in one serious relationship myself to know how you feel and your girlfriend seems to have helped you a lot for it to be easy to work out what to do.

[wounded]

You want something you get it.
If you don't enjoy the company of a person, then you stop hanging around with them.
What you've been doing this whole time is settling for less.

And in all honesty, you're being unrealistic when you say that you still want to be friends with "B", while being with "A", because that's not how it works, especially when they're close friends.

If you want to be with A, you're going to have to deal with the fact that you can't be stuck in that relationship with B forever, and that you're going to have to face the consequences of breaking up with her. If you want to wait another 4 years until she finishes college, A won't be waiting for you.
So you either leave now, and try things out with A...even though they might totally flop and not workout, considering she hooked you up with her friend.
Or you get stuck with B, and then you'll just have to break up some time...and get a different girl all together.

It's a fucked up situation, but you're going to have to face the fact that you can't be held responsible for the suicidal tendencies of B, or you'll be controlled by them forever.

[GohanSSJ]

I still don't understand why you asked "B" out in the first place. As for feelings, I don't care if I hurt feelings. Thinking about others feelings is a drawback and slows people down.

Well think about it, if you really like a girl and that girl tells you that her friend likes you and you should ask her out, then you tend to get doubts if she is even interested in the first place, so it makes sense you go out with someone else, both psychologically and rationally.

[TheAJ]

Date both xD

No seriously,

tell B what happend etc
but dont tell her you liked A while you liked her

and it depends really on what type of a reactant she is
does she cry alot? or emotionally challenged(emo)?