* It takes two people to lie, one to lie and one to listen.
* Stealing? How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?
* Good things don't end in "eum", they end in "mania" or "teria"
* Lisa, Vampires are make believe, like Elves, Gremlins and Eskimos.
* This ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it gives me the right, NO, the DUTY! to make a complete ass of myself.
* [when cornered off by a rhino] Jesus, Alla, Buddha...I love you all!
* (Bart): That's a hitch-hiker, Homer.
(Homer): Ooh, let's pick him up!
(Marge): No! What if he's crazy?
(Homer): And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.
* (Reporter): Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
(Homer): I'll handle this...the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty...that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
* Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9!
* (Lisa): Dad! I had a bad dream!
(Homer): Oh Lisa. You just lay down and tell me all about it.
(Lisa): I know this sounds absurd, but I was dreaming that the Boogieman was chasing me and...
(Homer): AAHH! Boogieman!
[Runs to Bart's room]
(Homer): Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but we may have an ordeal involving a Boogieman or BoogieMEN in the house!
(Bart): Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!
* Oh Lisa! You and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now lets go back to that ... building ... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.
* (Marge): Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
(Homer): Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
* Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.
* You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring.
* (Bart): I thought I'd better tell you that I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
(Homer): Well that's no reason to block the TV.
* (Lisa): Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a baby-sitter!
(Homer): Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation...
* I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T...
* (Marge): Homer! What have you done to the car? I don't think it had broken axles before.
(Homer): Before! Before! You're living in the past, Marge. Quit living in the past.
* (Homer): Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
(Lisa): No.
(Homer): Ham?
(Lisa): No!
(Homer): Pork chops?
(Lisa): Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
(Homer): Heh heh heh ... ooh ... yeah right, Lisa. A wonderful ... magical animal.
* Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
* It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in 8 hours of TV a day.
* Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
* What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
* (Homer): OK, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but lets get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
* (Homer's brain): It's a deal!
* Lisa, you missed a great race! First, Bart was winning, but then he said, 'This is stupid,' and he left, and I won!
* Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a blender.
* (Bart): I need this candy for school... candy class.
(Homer): Well, OK. But you better get 5 bags in case we eat 4 on the way home.
* (Bart): Hey, a chimp! Maybe he'll lead us to bananas.
(Homer drooling): Or more mouth-watering chimps.
* (Marge): Homer, it's funny but I've noticed that my mum and your dad are very lonely.
(Homer): Ha ha! That is funny!
* When Marge's aunt has died and the family is going to her funeral...
(Selma): It's the death of a legend.
(Homer's brain): Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman!
(Homer): Ha ha! The legend of the dog-faced woman!
(Marge): Homer!!
(Homer): Stupid brain.
* Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
* (Homer singing): When a fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn. Something, something, then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe ... DOH!
* (reading an IOU note): 'Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut, signed Homer.' Bastard! He's always one step ahead!
* Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!
* (Lisa): Dad, please, for the last time, I beg you: don't lower yourself to the level of the mob!
(Homer): Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and airhorn?
* (Bart): Mo-om! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
(Marge): Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
(Homer on the phone): Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! ... I gotta go, my weiner kids are listening.
* Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?
* Lisa, I can't imagine anyone could be more likeable than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.
* (Homer): But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
(Marge): How were you a political prisoner?
(Homer): I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw
you a picture?
* (Lisa): Dad, as you know, we've been swimming, and we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
(Bart & Lisa): Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad?
(Homer): I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
* (Marge): Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
(Lisa): The answers to deep theological questions.
(Bart): Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
(Homer): What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
(Bart): Our teacher.
(Homer): I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
* (Homer): You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
(Bart): Dad, what's the point of this story?
(Homer): I like stories.
* (Marge): And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
(Homer): Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes ... Now that's sarcasm.
* Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
* Ooh, the internet is on computers now.
* Excuse me Doctor, I think I know a little something about medicine.
* Son, when you attend sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.
* To start, press any key. Where's the 'any' key?
* I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'
* Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
* (Homer as Mr Burns' assistant): Here are your messages:
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Originally Posted by Homer
