[Text] Judge these lyrics?

[Justice For All]

Anybody feel like telling me what you think of these lyrics please?

We're all just on the pursuit of happiness,
We question it all, and why these things are happening,
Yeah for some life's a tragedy,
Like the sad clown, feeling down, but still laughing and,

Trying to enjoy everything that you can,
And every little boy, he just wants to be a man,
He isn't playing coy, he really doesn't understand,
What to do with his cards, so he requests another hand.

But they say that you gotta deal with the hand you're dealt,
Act like you're in Heaven when you feel like you're in Hell,
And never be ashamed if you have to ask for help,
In this cold and heartless world, some can't do it by theirself.

So just reach out, when you really want to give in,
No matter what the hand is, play the cards you're given,
Believe it or not, in a way we all are gifted,
Like it's Christmas, I just really hope you listen.

Flow might sound off in a part or two but if you could hear how it's supposed to sound it would sound just fine.

[MentaL]

[Irahnik]

can't really tell a flow just by reading lyrics and that's coming from a rapper lolz (pls record it somewhere)

however i can sort of predict where it is and it sounds very rigid and it's not letting itself naturally segue into the rest of the words if what im saying makes sense, also the inflection on which you'd intend to record this in (if you were to) is something i don't know, so i'm not exactly sure how it would sound

lyrics are nicely written, however im not a fan of that "sad clown" or "christmas" line... i know u tried to do like figurative speech etc but that's a little too literal '-' for example if i said somethin like "call me mista soap cuz my rhymes r always clean" it sounds like corny
u kno wut im sayin
but ya

try switchin it up a lot more, give a little more complex thought into what you're tryna write, stay away from metaphors and similes etc for now, those will naturally come to you later - literally just get actual thoughts down on paper before anything else

and if u doubt anything about me and what i'm saying: http://soundcloud.com/irahnik
you can judge if my judgement was necessary or not c:

cheerz

[ChewBecca]

moved to music

[Justice For All]

can't really tell a flow just by reading lyrics and that's coming from a rapper lolz (pls record it somewhere)

however i can sort of predict where it is and it sounds very rigid and it's not letting itself naturally segue into the rest of the words if what im saying makes sense, also the inflection on which you'd intend to record this in (if you were to) is something i don't know, so i'm not exactly sure how it would sound

lyrics are nicely written, however im not a fan of that "sad clown" or "christmas" line... i know u tried to do like figurative speech etc but that's a little too literal '-' for example if i said somethin like "call me mista soap cuz my rhymes r always clean" it sounds like corny
u kno wut im sayin
but ya

try switchin it up a lot more, give a little more complex thought into what you're tryna write, stay away from metaphors and similes etc for now, those will naturally come to you later - literally just get actual thoughts down on paper before anything else

and if u doubt anything about me and what i'm saying: http://soundcloud.com/irahnik
you can judge if my judgement was necessary or not c:

cheerz

I was hoping you would comment bro, I know you rap I've known you from a few Gunz servers (can't remember them now though I think Creative Gunz might've been one) But I know what you mean about the flow feeling kinda forced in parts, I've always had that problem it seems. I could easily go back and make it sound more natural I just never take the time to lol

Really appreciate the criticism though thank you.

[KristiansJ]

I did some edits to your lyrics(i'm not a rapper, lyricist or whatever, i just though it would be fun lol :D)

We're all just on the pursuit of happiness,
We question it all, and why these things are happening,
Yeah for some life's a tragedy with out happy ending,
Tears of a clown, feeling down, but still laughing till the end,

We live in the fantasy that we are the best
Grabing everything that we can,
Live by the sword, die by the sword, and fuck the rest,
They say...

Every one, want to be a man,
Some really doesn't understand, what it takes to be the man,
What to do with these cards, so we request another hand.
But in real world this doesn't work,
Stand like man in this devils land,
Life hits hard, life is hard, so when it hits,
Get back on your feet, hit life back as hard as you can,
that's the real man,

But they say that you gotta deal with the hand you're dealt,
Act like you're in Heaven when you feel like you're in Hell,
And never be ashamed if you have to ask for help,
In this cold and heartless world, some can't do it by theirself.

So just reach out, when you really want to give in,
No matter what the hand is, play the cards you're given,
Believe it or not, in a way we all are gifted,
Find your self and weigth of the world will be lifted,