Selection of VIZ top tips
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog t rd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urin@ting into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pi$$ed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and sh@* every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' con doms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vib rator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pi$$ing in the sink.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your se x life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s ex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch
their faces in the morning!
Have all your sh!ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
