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Oh Please Like it!! Hopefully..
Don't Go, Your To Die For.
Don't Leave, Don't Go,
Forever, I May Show.
Have no fear, but have no strength.
I'm the one, that hates to hate.
Don't leave now, Don't leave later.
Forever I May hold, the peace that Shan't Be the hater.
I Cannot rely, on the trust you give.
Never Can I love, Nor shall I Live.
But I Bless this life, very much, very well.
But never shall I come, what I,
SAY,MEAN,TELL.
I don't really understand the theme of the poem, other than not liking everything, and being weak...and at the same time not being scared of anything...no I don't really get it.
I remember in like Year 4 I wrote a limerick and it went something like..
There once was a boy named Luke,
Who puked while playing the flute
He broke his toes
while picking his nose
driving his Grandfathers ute.
Don't Leave, Don't Go,
Forever, I May Show.
Have no fear, but have no strength.
I'm the one, that hates to hate.
Don't leave now, Don't leave later.
Forever I May hold, the peace that Shan't Be the hater.
I Cannot rely, on the trust you give.
Never Can I love, Nor shall I Live.
But I Bless this life, very much, very well.
But never shall I come, what I,
SAY,MEAN,TELL.
What's in bold...is pretty good. Other then that, it needs a lot of work.
Keep the emo shit ti myspace?
and ur poem is fail
I just don't get it. It's kinda hard to follow..
Get off my internets shitface. Don't need your kind dissing others' work around here.Quote:
Originally Posted by sutsurikeru
You found true love in habbo but he ditched you but yet you regret nothin?
Nice poem man dose need work tho ^^
/Fate
I feel emo after reading this...
It's cool but still needs some work to do on. Trust me.. I know :)
Why did I expect the lyrics to rickroll..
o_o. It's my first poem, what do you expect.
It's a bit contradicting: "Don't go, don't leave" / "I cannot rely on the trust you give". I know it oxymorons/paradox may be injected into a poem for affect, but this just illogical.
Plus the vocabulary used it a tad bland. I felt no emotive connection, I didnt connect to it. It seems like you've written a poem about something you don't really understand too well.
The ending "I bless this life, etc" was just random. It's liek your trying to portay yourself as this enlightened being, which comes across as irritating and arrogant. And the lines after that made no sence either.
2/10 for effort
Next time, trying giving the poem a bit of character and flow, as this one sorely lacked both. Try writing about something you're exposed to a lot, something you have a significant knowledge of.
Isn't that a little harsh tbh? It's his first poem, give him a break. Some people don't even let others read their poetry, and he took the time out to share his first piece with us.Quote:
Originally Posted by sutsurikeru
It's okay, just keep practicing on your writing, you'll improve. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Pinkspar