Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Hi all. Well after reading many relationship help type threads here, I thought, you know what the hey, I'll post something that is on my mind, knowing I'll get an interesting blend of serious and no so answers, I take the risk anyway here goes:
First of all background information: I'm Female, most of my friends online and irl are male. I don't have a lot of friends irl, I don't want them, I've had many use me and so on and I really prefer by choice to have a few very good friends as opposed to a lot of acquaintances. Online ofc its easier to get rid of someone if they treat you bad so you know..
Anyway One of my few very good friends is my co-worker. He's male, there is only one other female that works here. So he and I have been friends for a few years. He's been working with me for about 5 years now. I've been here for about 6 and a half. We went to college together, although we didn't really speak much then. (Small private college) so we have that familiarity of having seen the other around and knowing of them.
Ok getting to the point. I own my own house, he comes and helps me fix stuff, and other things I can't do as easily as he can. I was there for him as support when he went through a divorce, he's there for me in my current problems. You know, how friends should be...
Anyway so I was talking to my counselor and I told her, I think that he might like me. (as in other than friend feelings) and she seemed really happy about this. Excited she said "i knew it" apparently based on other things I had said, and then she went so far as to suggest we have a friends with benefits relationship.
This was last week. I guess since then I feel in shock. Like... w t f? When she mentioned we should have a relationship I pointed out the obvious: 1. dating your coworker is really bad. 2. we don't agree on some fundamental relationship issues (he's very Christian and I don't think I could handle his views on the male and female roles in relationships) which is when she suggested this benefits thing..
So.. I'm disturbed by this, its bothering me a lot. I'm sure that I'm not disturbed because I secretly want this. Not at all. What bothers me, is what sort of impression am I giving? If she thinks I have feelings for him, am I being.. uh.. nice? Should I just make sure not to mention him again. I mean she's a professional so she might see something I don't but honestly I dont want her to see something not there.
Also importantly what sort of impression am I giving him? I don't want him to think I like him or have feelings for him in that way, when what I really want and enjoy is the friendship we have now. I don't want more or less.
So Guys... How can I make sure Im not giving off the wrong vibe?
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Its really hard. If a guy likes agirl a lot he'll go as far as interpretting things as vibes, which aren't vibes. I say that you don't let your friendship be ruined by this. That would be the worst. I personally think there are two things you can do:
1. Confront him about and tell him that you are not interested.
2 (and better imo) Just keep on acting the same way and being the same type of friend. If he ever does confront you about his feelings, that's when you tell him that you aren't interested.
For now you aren't 100% sure about anything. I think that in every friendship between a man and a woman there is a period where some sort of attraction exists. Sometimes the friendships start because of an initial attraction. Just don't act too quickly or too harshly yet. Let it play out and see how it goes from there.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
I am surprised, shocked, and quite frankly disgusted that a counselor would recommend a "friends with benefits" relationship. They of all people should know that these relationships never work well and always end with somebody getting hurt.
First of all - if somebody i knew thought that i had a "crush" on them, i would want to know if they felt the same way, even if i have not said anything to insinuate that i feel that way.
Secondly - do you actually have any feelings for him? If not, then just forget about it completely. Having gone through a divorce, being "led on" wrongly is going to be devastating for him.
If he does actually have feelings for you and does mention it, then tell him that you do not feel the same way, and that you really do not want to ruin the current relationship you have with him. Unless you do have feelings for him, but only go into a relationship if you are sure you want it ; not just cos you heard they like you and you just want to be nice.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Most girls start acting more... 'friendly' with the guy if they suspect something like this, which leads them into dark corners, and results in the male giving them a slap and kicking her out of his life, but I'd say, just be yourself, act like you don't suspect anything, and just be yourself, like you've been in any other days.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
I don't get it how could a counselor know that a guy has feelings for you if she has never met him? (I'm assuming she didn't)
Regardless, as Rishwin mentioned a counselor shouldn't suggest such things.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
A very awkward situation indeedy for 2 reasons, the first being...
- If you make a move when your not 100% certain of things then repercussions could be pretty bad, and may possibly make things uneasy between you both from then on. Which of course isn't great, especially for you 2 because you also work together.
- The second reason being, if he actually approaches you and opens out to you expresses the feelings he has for you. And you shut him down, then that's just gonna be as bad if not worse actually then my first explanation.
Having said that though, this all really does depend on how you handle the situation if he does tell you the feelings he has for you. (if he does have them)
Personally though, if he's a nice guy and you both get along then doing something like...Going out to dinner together seems pretty cool if he asks you out, because at least you can see how he operates while on a date with you hehe =p. And if you do decide to do something like that, then that doesn't mean your together at all so there's no reason to worry.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Rishwin
I am surprised, shocked, and quite frankly disgusted that a counselor would recommend a "friends with benefits" relationship. They of all people should know that these relationships never work well and always end with somebody getting hurt.
Yes I'm more than a bit shocked by this. I'm worried I said the wrong things that made her believe I wanted this.
He hasn't said anything to me that makes me 100% sure, I'm just guessing. It seems like he likes me based on some of the things he says.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JC/Raiden
A very awkward situation indeedy for 2 reasons, the first being...
- If you make a move when your not 100% certain of things then repercussions could be pretty bad, and may possibly make things uneasy between you both from then on. Which of course isn't great, especially for you 2 because you also work together.
Um No, I wont be making a move, I don't have an interest in him in that way..
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JC/Raiden
- The second reason being, if he actually approaches you and opens out to you expresses the feelings he has for you. And you shut him down, then that's just gonna be as bad if not worse actually then my first explanation.
ah yes I'm trying to avoid that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JC/Raiden
Personally though, if he's a nice guy and you both get along then doing something like...Going out to dinner together seems pretty cool if he asks you out, because at least you can see how he operates while on a date with you hehe =p. And if you do decide to do something like that, then that doesn't mean your together at all so there's no reason to worry.
Um... we've gone out to dinner before. I've made him dinner at my house.... But not in a "date" sense.
Would I be totally wrong to accept such offers in the future? I mean we've been friends for like 5 years, its not like I am scared to be alone with him ... oO
I just dont want him to think.. well that I feel something I don't.
I also don't want my counselor to think it. Because what she said is disturbing.
I want to make sure I'm not leaving the wrong signals...
Oh Gosh, should I mention his ex-wife thought we had a thing? ... was only a joke to us.
Ok one last thing I should mention...
My problem is I have an anxiety disorder, so I often find myself worrying aboug things that simply aren't real. I think over the past months I've gotten quite good at distinquising the difference, but I do have some about this.
1. I love the friendship I have and don't want it changed.
2. I don't want him to think I have feelings I don't.
3. I don't want my counselor to think I have feelings I don't, because honestly, if she hasn't been so helpful otherwise, I'd be seeking a new one right now.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Councillor sounds pretty stupid imo. I assume friends with benefits would be fuck buddies basically? Firstly suggesting that to someone who is Christian would be a big no no, if they don't believe in sex before marriage what is the chance of sex before relationship. Second, you should remind her not every person is sex obsessed. You seem to like each other for who you are, not because you want to sleep with them but because of their personality. That to me would suggest having a relationship first rather than skipping that entirely.
Call me old fashion, and I guess I am, but I think a relationship should proceed sex. Now I'm not saying no sex before marriage, just not before an emotional bond is created. Frankly it kind of worries me that a professional would seriously be suggesting this, no wonder we live in a world of so many single parent families and teenage pregnancies.
As for the *I think he likes me* part, well that's the main thing. Does he like you in that way? From the sound of it, you helping him through a divorce would create a bond between you. I would say 90%+ of single guys with good single female friends do secretly fancy them. Even if they don't let that thought surface very much, I believe it is there.
As for him being Christian, don't let it get too much in the way. You both already have a mutual respect for each other, he should know what he's getting himself into.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
professional <---yea right they get paid to tell u things you might alrdy now id say do what u think is best for you and him
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Robert
Councillor sounds pretty stupid imo. I assume friends with benefits would be fuck buddies basically?
Yes that is exactly what it is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Robert
Firstly suggesting that to someone who is Christian would be a big no no, if they don't believe in sex before marriage what is the chance of sex before relationship.
Yes these are beliefs he has held up to as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Robert
Second, you should remind her not every person is sex obsessed.
Maybe I should be dissapointed because she hasn't realized that I'm not sex obsessed. (hehe maybe she is oO)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Robert
You seem to like each other for who you are, not because you want to sleep with them but because of their personality. That to me would suggest having a relationship first rather than skipping that entirely.
Isn't the benefit of being friends having someone I can call at any hour without them thinking anything? Having someone I can have over to dinner for any reason or no reason, just for company? Having someone who I can cry to when I think my house is falling apart, let alone my life. Sounds like a best friend to me. (My "best friend" doesn't live in this country 95% of the time, although oddly she's at my house living with me right now) So yeah, It doesn't hurt to have someone 5 feet from me all day at work I can trust.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Robert
Call me old fashion, and I guess I am, but I think a relationship should proceed sex. Now I'm not saying no sex before marriage, just not before an emotional bond is created. Frankly it kind of worries me that a professional would seriously be suggesting this, no wonder we live in a world of so many single parent families and teenage pregnancies.
Well its not old fashioned. Or maybe I am too. Sorry but a plaything is only fun for a while, like a toy, gets boring.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Robert
As for the *I think he likes me* part, well that's the main thing. Does he like you in that way? From the sound of it, you helping him through a divorce would create a bond between you. I would say 90%+ of single guys with good single female friends do secretly fancy them. Even if they don't let that thought surface very much, I believe it is there.
I believe its there too. And so that's how it was brought up to my counselor in the first place. Flattered a bit? yes of course, but.. I really don't want to lead him on. I need him as a friend. I don't want more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Robert
As for him being Christian, don't let it get too much in the way. You both already have a mutual respect for each other, he should know what he's getting himself into.
I'm not against it, don't get me wrong. But I'm a very independent female, with my own house, car, etc. I can't go into a relationship without some equal grounds. We discussed this when he was married how he views relationships (wife submits to husband type thing), and I see his point, its just not me, I can't do that, I wasn't raised that way. Eventually that would get in the way no matter what if we ever had a other-than-friend relationship. Its only one of the reasons its a bad idea, not the only reason.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Madison
Um No, I wont be making a move, I don't have an interest in him in that way..
Misunderstood me there =p, I meant making a move on him in the way of asking him if he does actually have feelings for you. Because generally it's better to deal with things then let them drag on for longer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Madison
Um... we've gone out to dinner before. I've made him dinner at my house.... But not in a "date" sense.
Would I be totally wrong to accept such offers in the future? I mean we've been friends for like 5 years, its not like I am scared to be alone with him ... oO
I just dont want him to think.. well that I feel something I don't.
I also don't want my counselor to think it. Because what she said is disturbing.
I want to make sure I'm not leaving the wrong signals...
Oh Gosh, should I mention his ex-wife thought we had a thing? ... was only a joke to us.
No of course not, long time friends go out on dates all the time just for fun there's honestly nothing wrong with it. And as long as he gets it that your both just friends then there's no problem.
Honestly hun the best thing you can do right now is just relax, be your self because you can't be anymore then that. As long as you know that your not leading him on then it's his own undoing if he thinks otherwise, I mean what the heck are meant to do ?
I know your bothered about the opinion of your counselor, because obviously he/she is meant to be helping you. But try to not look to deep in to what somebody else thinks, regardless of if it's a trained professional.
As for his ex-wife I really dunno what to say about that lol.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JC/Raiden
Misunderstood me there =p, I meant making a move on him in the way of asking him if he does actually have feelings for you. Because generally it's better to deal with things then let them drag on for longer.
Well being confrontational = not my style at all
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JC/Raiden
Honestly hun the best thing you can do right now is just relax, be your self because you can't be anymore then that. As long as you know that your not leading him on then it's his own undoing if he thinks otherwise, I mean what the heck are meant to do ?
Ok i try. I just hope im not leading him on, but since I don't mean to... well hopefully that's enough.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JC/Raiden
I know your bothered about the opinion of your counselor, because obviously he/she is meant to be helping you. But try to not look to deep in to what somebody else thinks, regardless of if it's a trained professional.
good point.
but maybe its her i need to talk to about this.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Madison
good point.
but maybe its her i need to talk to about this.
I suppose your right. But remember just like with every opinion/piece of advice you'll hear, take it all with a pinch of salt.
Re: Male/Female Friendships.. Wrong vibe?
Confront her, do not confront him. Tell her that you do not have the same feelings for him and you think she has given you wrong advice.
As for how to act around him... Pretend this never happened, do not ask him out to any extra dinners, just carry on as if that conversation with your counselor never took place. If he senses a change in you and is too afraid to confront you, he had think that YOU have a crush on HIM, and if that is not what he wants, you may lose him as a friend.
