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James O's Dirty jokes!!!
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.
The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex on a public highway?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed by being caught, they said yes and apologized.
"Well," he said, "I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.
He responded, "doing 69 in a 35 mph zone!"
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when
he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to
investigate. A few days later he received this letter.
Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house, He come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.
No fee,
Chen Lee
Little Red Riding Hood was talking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!" "Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it! Doesn't anybody f*ck anymore?"
Three sisters are getting married but their parents are to poor to afford three separate weddings so they decide to have a joint wedding and get married at the same time.
After the wedding they couldn't even afford a honeymoon and they had no place to stay so they stayed at the sisters parent's house.
That night the mother was walking from room to room to check on her newly wed daughters. She put her ear to her oldest daughter's room and heard laughing. Then she walked to the middle daughter's room and heard screaming. Finally, she walked to her youngest daughters' room and heard nothing.
So the next morning at breakfast she asked her oldest daughter why she heard laughing last night in her room, and her eldest daughter replied, "Mom, you told me when I was younger to laugh when I heard something funny."
She walked over to her middle daughter and asked her why she heard screaming in her room last night in her room, and the middle daughter replied "Mom, when I was little you told me to scream if I saw something scary."
Lastly, she asked her youngest daughter why she didn't hear anything in her room last night, and the young bride replied, "Mom, when I was younger you told me not to talk with my mouth full."
While undressing for bed one night, good old Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!" So he makes an appointment to see his doctor the very next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."
Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.
Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there!
So he goes back to the doctor and asks, "What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me know."
Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "hide in the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
However, the husband soon became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" insisted the husband.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," explained the man.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
The Queen of England was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying in the bed.
"What is wrong with you?" she asked the man.
"I have a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses.
One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him. "You can't say that to the Queen!" the nurse shouts.
"Well what should I have said then?" replies the man.
"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse.
Five months later, Princess Margaret is visiting the same hospital and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.
"What is wrong with you?" asks the princess.
"Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man.
So, the princess answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better."
During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big -- she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' ***** for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"
An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you a such a fat a boy?"
Tony says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's spaghetti! I can't a stop a eating it."
Poppa says, "You should a take a smaller bites!"
Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you a such a fat a boy?"
Michael says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's lasagna. I can't a stop a eating it, it's a so good."
Poppa says, "You should a also take a smaller bites."
Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you a stay so slim a and a trim a."
Fredo says, "It's a so easy, Poppa. I eat a lots and lots of a p*ssy."
Poppa says, "P*ssy? P*ssy, that's a taste like sh*!"
Fredo says, "Poppa, You should a take a smaller bites!"
While waiting for the final voter recount in Florida, media services questioned the two major presidential candidates today. Both agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.
The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.
Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.
An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three knots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."
One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?"
"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'":good:
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lemme have a shot at it.
3 men come at the gate of heaven and the heaven keeper asks how they died.
the first sais: "Well I came home from work, found my wife naked in bed. So I think yeah that ***** been cheating in me. I start searching but cant find any1. I look at the window and see 2 hands at the window. I recon the guy crawled out the window and is hanging there now. So I start to hit on hes hands but that stupid son of a ***** wont let go. So I take a hammer and **** on his hands. Thats bastard still wudnt let go so I take the fridge and trow it on him!!! yeah that nailed him. But then I got a heart attack cuz of the exitement."
The 2nd replied: "I was playing ping-pong with my son on the balcony. I take a step back to catch the ball but fall on my sons trampoline. I hump up I tought this was it but lucky I managed grab my hands at a window. So there I hang but then this freak starts smashing onto my hands, he even took a hammer!! I didnt let go but then that son of a ***** trows a fridge on me!!"
the 3rd 1 sais: "I was sleeping with a guys wife when that prick came home to early. I quickly hid myself in the fridge but that son of a ***** must have known cuz he trew my with fridge and all out of the window!!!:rolleyes:
a man is in the mood for some sex so he enters a bordel and asks what he can get for 10$. The laddie sais, go ahead and enter door n1. In door n1 all he can find is a ladder and a camel. Hes so in the mood for sex that he "uses em both" and enjoys.
The next day he tought he actually enjoyed it so he came back and asked: "what can I get for 20$"
The lady sais go in in door n2. In door n2 he sees alot of men looking in holes in the wall theres a free hole left so he takes a peep. He looks in and sees 3 guys fking eachother. He sais to the guy nxt to him. Ewww thats so sick.
The guy replies: "you aint seen nothing yet yesterday there was some sick pervert fking a camel":P
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roflmao:lol: where u get these stuff u people :lol:
