Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems
if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML
Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said
"oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML
Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of only two weeks. As we were dancing, another woman grabbed my ass from behind me and squeezed. I yelped and turned around
to see my mother as the culprit. My girlfriend punched her. I found out my mother is a Cougar and my girl has a mean right hook. FML
Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window,
to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML
Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love.
I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't.
About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML
Today, my little 7 year old brother asked me what horny meant whilst in the car with my parents. When I wouldn't tell him what
it meant he proceeded to scream, "I'm getting horny!" at the top of his lungs, and told my parents that I told him to say it. FML
Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes.
When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML
Today, I babysat 3 year old twins. They have a huge dry erase board hanging inbetween their beds.
After they fell asleep I drew a very detailed and large drawing of a penis. When I went to erase it I realized it was in Sharpie. FML
Today, my mom suspected me of doing marijuana. She went and bought a home-drug test and sent me to the bathroom. As I went in,
I realized there was already pee in the toilet. I scooped that instead of my own and handed it to my mom. It came up positive. My sister used the bathroom last. She's 12. FML
Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said I'm scrawny and weak. I bought an expensive giant container of protein
powder to take before during work outs. I wasn't strong enough to open the lid. FML
Today, I went to Walmart with my mom. At the check out line I was eating a bag of chips as my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was okay.
My mom just waved her hand, and said, "Sometimes she does that for attention, ignore her." FML
Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple equations on my hand. Totally satisfied,
I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson.
I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating.
He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML
