How to irritate your visitors!!
Im searchin for a PS tuts.. and i come up finding this...
ENJOY! LMAO!
Let's face it. It is really hard to come up with new
ways to fully irritate visitors to your site. I
thought I would share some ways that I have found to
irritate visitors and drive them away thereby saving
you time and money. These tips are not in order
according to their effectiveness, however #1 is by far
the most effective. For 100% effectiveness, use any
three of these techniques.
1. Install a script to disable everyone's right mouse
click button. When someone tries to right-click, be
sure to pop up a really insulting warning that accuses
them of trying to steal your secret HTML code.
Disabling the right click button will allow you to:
- Keep the visitor from bookmarking your site
- Keep the visitor from using the forward and back
browser functions
- Keep the visitor from opening your links in a new
window
- Keep the visitor from stopping a slow loading or
hung page
- Keep the visitor from using the Reload function to
correct a display problem
- Keep the visitor from printing your secret content
- Keep the visitor from using such illegal tools as
the Google site information tool
Admittedly the visitors can do all of these things
with the buttons at the top of the browser, but maybe
they won't know that and simply go away as you
intended when you disabled their dangerous right-click
button.
2. Create a really long page that starts playing your
favorite song and put the stop and volume controls at
the very bottom of the page. This will make sure they
do one of the following:
- Listen to the entire song all the way through 5
times while reading your content, which proves them
worthy of experiencing your site
- Try desperately to find the Stop button
- Go somewhere else to stop the song from playing
3. Decide in advance what screen resolution your
visitors must use in order to see your pages. It is
absolutely a great way to drive them off when they
have to scroll from side to side to read sentences of
information. You can make this 100% effective by
making your pages so wide that no monitor can display
it.
4. The really professional irritator will not settle
for just one obscure browser plug-in. Go for the gold.
Use several bloated plug-ins that no one has already
installed. This should drive away all newbies because
they usually have no idea how to install even one
plug-in, much less three. Experienced surfers will be
glad to spend 20 minutes installing plug-ins to view
your unique content.
5. When the visitor arrives at your site, be sure to
pop up at least two ads behind their browser window
and a minimum of two ads in front of their window.
This will give them lots of options in where to go now
that they have been sufficiently irritated to desire
to leave right away. Even more important is the way
you treat the occasional hard case that actually stays
on your site after all of your efforts. When they
leave, remind them to never return. Start popping up
windows all over their monitor with windows that
multiply every time they try to close them.
6. Sign up to use a really slow-loading hit counter
and put the button inside of a TABLE so that nothing
appears until the hit-counter responds. This is
possibly the best way to keep visitors from stealing
from you as it keeps them from even reading your
content and possibly typing it into their site from
memory. For this to work reliably, you must avoid
putting the height and width into the call for the hit
counter graphic. You can improve the effectiveness of
this technique by inserting not only a hit counter
button, but a long string of banner exchange banners.
8. Splash page. You gotta have a Splash Page. Lots of
slow loading animation. If you can combine this with
the requirement to download another obscure plug-in,
you'll have hit a home run. I'm especially impressed
by the many sites that have upped the ante to include
two splash pages before you ever get to even the first
word of content. Stunning! Brilliant!
9. Reconfigure the visitor's browser window. This will
drive them crazy! People hate it when you run a script
on your pages that expands the user's browser window
to fill the entire screen and then do away with all of
the browser Toolbar features such as the Navigation
Toolbar and the Location Toolbar.
10. Finally, an oldie but goodie. Make your background
dark and your text just a shade or two brighter. This
makes it impossible to read your text and will rid you
of visitors before they have a chance to clog up you
server logs. If this is not possible on your site, use
the alternate technique of putting most of your
content in PDF files so that the visitor has to
download them and launch another application. Very
effective.
11. Don't forget to use redirects on your links from
your home page! This is especially sucessful when the
redirect provides no means of getting back to the page
your visitor started at. Don't forget, they never
wanted to explore any other areas of the site anyways.
12. Create really challenging links strategies. People
love challenges. Have lots of pages that do not link
back to your home page. This way they look around for
a while, then resort to the back button. This works
very well when people bookmark a page. Then they have
to figure out a strategy for getting any more
information from your site. And, by all means, do NOT
put your navigation on every page--this blows the
whole concept of challenge.
For additional challenge, make the links you do have
on a page to pages that do not exist. People will
giggle when they fall into that "404" trap, and they
realize they were dumb.
13. Make sure your site is colorful! Use vast expanses
of super-bright colors that cause them to strain and
squint. Give them that staring-into-the-sun effect,
and use text colors that force their eyes to
constantly readjust as they try to read your text.
Remember, you are not giving them a real "Web
experience" unless looking away from the screen causes
their color perception to shift dramatically. Use the
techniques to disguise the fact that you had nothing
to say anyway and didn't bother to write much of
anything. This can be dramatically furthered through
the use of strategically placed flashing banners and
images to distract them from reading.
14. Use enough JavaScript code to make even the most
accomplished pro at Microsoft 'ooh' and 'ahh' in
appreciation of your incredible programming skills. Be
sure to combine sufficent popup alert boxes (with
requisite nonsensical messages), scrolling DHTML news
panels, slide out menus, rollovers, image swaps and
script errors to create a veritable hodgepodge of
aneurysm inducing effects which will have them running
for cover - if not killing them outright.
15. Have a black Flash animation on a black BG splash
page load for 5 minutes while forgetting to insert a
preload message. Leaving the only way for the visitor
to "discover" that you have a "cool" intro loading for
them, is by right clicking and viewing your source.
Furthermore, when it does load by no means should you
insert a "skip intro" button. This way everyone will
admire your vecotored image design skills. ...
