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A new beginning... (if this topic is gone in a second then athena deleted it again)

Sep 10, 2003
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Yesterday i got a message from someone who i care a lot about that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, not talking, nothing.

I tried last night to talk to her, but ofcourse nothing came out of that.

I had send her another message last night after she went to bed, when i noticed this morning that she didn't read it, or at least didn't reply to it that i was doing things totally wrong.

They say you have to fall to understand that you have been doing things wrong, and it's true, i fell, i fell hard, i lost someone as a friend who i care about...

I now know what i have been doing wrong, i know that a negative, or my so called realistic view won't get you anywhere, also thinking i can do it all by myself.
I learned that now, but at a very high price...

I would right now do anything to get her friendship back, but i know it won't be possible...

I started to think about that, this wasn't the first time i messed up like that, but that person forgave me it, however the friendship never been the same, which i think is a real shame.

So i started to think about it, if i keep living like this then i won't get anywhere, i will never do then a step forward, i will just stay at the same point, untill someone is fed up with me and does the normal thing which causes me to fall back.

There is no one that can change that for me, only me myself, which i'm going to do.

For the past months i have been making up excuses to not do something, really stupid excuses, my latest was my flat back tire of my bike (found out later they were both flat...)
So i took the elevator down (i live in a flat, big one though ) got my wheels, went back up, changed 1 with a new one, and fixed the other one, went back down, put them back under etc.

Now i could of just went back up and sit on my arse infront of my computer, but i decided to do the odd thing... my brother recently moved out and lives about 1,5 km away from here, and wanted me to come around, because i hadn't seen it since i helped him move a bit.
But this was at dinner time, but i thought duck it, so i went over to him, checked when i could really visit (tomorrow evening) and went back home, i noticed on the way back how tired it was, trust me sitting on your butt for such a long time doesn't do much good...
When i got home i noticed that i was getting really sick, felt really bad, i went up with the elevator again... that stimulated it even more... and when i got inside and went for some water i puked a bit...
So i drank some water, went to my bed for like 15 minutes, and took a shower, which really did wonders because i felt much better after.

I then went back to my room and started writing this....

Now you probably all think wtf is this guy talking, omg he did something, got sick and feels like he is great or something now.
Well i don't feel great at all, because the price i had to pay for realising this all was way to high, but for me this is a first step for facing that i was doing things wrong.

My negativity will probably leave a bad taste for a while, so i can't say i will change in a second, but i will be changing things.

I'm glad i done this... but i regret my lost friendship, i wish i could change that somehow...

Anyway i will be visiting my brother tomorrow, i will also call my dad tomorrow to check when he is home, because all my belongings except for my computer is still there, so i will be putting things in boxes etc, i really want my stereo here because music calms me, and my stereo sounds like 10 times better then this cheap Creative 5.1 set...

I would already go check for a job, but considering my condition i think it's better to wait with that, i will be just riding on my bike, i always enjoyed that, and the first thing i'm going to get is a new water bottle because my old 1 is probably really crap and all...

Oh and btw don't come in here flaming me, i will delete those posts, i really don't feel like having crap at me now...
And if any of you know stuff to get my condition better that doesn't involve any special stuff then let me know, i could really use it.