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Abusive Relationships

bleh....
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Hola senors and senoritas! Got a few things I need to get off my chest so I figured I'd get some opinions. About 7 years ago, my sister was involved in an abusive relationship. No matter how many times he hit her, or how many times she ran to me and I kicked his butt, she still went back to him. This went on for 5 years until she got pregnant with his daughter. My niece was born and they were a happy family. Shortly after, he hit her again. Luckily, she smartened up and left for good and hasn't been back since. This was about 2 years ago and she's been away from him for the entire 2 years.

I had a very good friend that was like a sister to me be abused by a dude who I was like best friends with in Jr. High. I didn't find out until they broke up a year later and she told me. It suddenly dawned on me why they had constantly broke up and got back together.

My sister in law had been dating this guy who, again you guess it, abused her. He almost killed her one time by choking her (this was before I moved to Canada and knew her). Yet, everytime, she continually went back to him. Now, this whole time this was happening, her mother (my mother in law) was talking all this poop, saying a guy should never hit a girl, how she didn't like him and blah blah blah. Funny thing is... Her man just put her through a glass sliding door a month ago while I was at the store. The cops came, filed charges and arrested him. She filed charges against him, the whole nine yards. Here's where it gets interesting. My wife and I have specifically told my mother in law, her ex is not welcome in this house, or anywhere near our son (because they have a long history of breaking up/getting back together secretively). If we find out she's dating him, she loses all privileges to spend time with our son outside of our supervision.

Now the great part. Not only is she dating him again, but according to her, when all police charges get dropped in the Spring, he's moving back in. So that not only tells us she doesn't care about her only grandson, but that she's a Ducking hypocrite. Sadly, my wife and I have no choice but to deal with it. I can't work yet because of Immigration (not a citizen or resident yet) and she doesn't make enough for us to get our own place.

Anyways, I've been wondering. What makes a female/male stay in an abusive relationship? Is it love? Is it stupidity? Is it fear? If it's fear, then why go back? Shouldn't you actually be afraid to go back to someone who physically harmed you, instead of respecting you like a caring person in a relationship should? If it's love, how can you love someone that didn't care for your well-being? So with all that being said, what do you think is the reason?

NOTE: Don't post stupid remarks like "They are Ducking morons!!!". Please actually have some intellect behind your posts. Also, should this go in the debate section? I don't think so since only an idiot thinks it's okay to physically harm your partner (unless your life is in danger, but that's a different story).
 
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If love really did exist - there wouldn't be any hitting. Actually anything not even remotely close.
Are they stupid for going back? - Yes. But they cannot be blamed because this stupidity is induced.
Fear of the person? No. But the fear of a break up. Many people feel they can rather deal with physical pain over mental pain and they'd rather get beaten up than go over a break up.

The day a man leaves his words and gets down to actions - he lost his manhood (unless it's a rapist / murderer you're hitting). The only advice I can give a female is - the day a guy hits you .. leave him for good for it is in the better interest of all. Guys and females are like a pair of jeans. You can wear them for a whole lifetime if you love them but if you wanna continue wearing them just coz you bought it and are scared of losing out on your money ... then it'll start to stink!
 
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some women like to think they can change and fix their partner and get obsessed with this, however there are others that realize they are being abused and are strong enough to get the idiot out of the house (like my mother did :))
 
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My auntie had an abusive boyfriend a few years ago.

She did the same as you decribe.
She told me that she was scared to leave him.
She also reported him to the police, but he was good at talking, so he never got punished.

Although, one day she finally got the courage to leave him.
 
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I`ve been physically abused by a couple in a relationship a few months ago. Though the only difference is, I never went back to them.

Anyways, that`s not the main topic.
If it`s love, then he doesn`t love her. But I can`t say if she does love him. Though she keeps going back to him.
Can`t be fear. It`s more like, she doesn`t really know what to do. Even though everyone else gives tells her what she should do, she can`t make the decision.
My best bet is that she doesn`t know who else to go to for a relationship.
Mayybeeee. But this is my 2cent thought. Based on what happened to me& what I think. :/.
 
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only real men knows love.

if you've been in a poop relationship then either you were with a bi or homo.
 
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Philisophically, abusive relationships amaze me. Not the relationship itself but the way that females think about their love life. It never ceases to amaze me just how much being in a relationship means to them. More than their safety even. This even carries onto the idea of "serial dating" where someone cannot stand to be single, and can even get extremely depressed. My most recent ex is probably one of the most serious serial daters I have ever met. And I can proudly say that she hasn't dated anyone since we broke up. I don't know whether she's just not over me yet, or if I somehow let her know that I could still be there for her as a friend.

In conclusion do people who feel like they need a relationship, just want someone to be there for them? My ex, as I've found out was psychologically damaged in her youth. And I think she's not in as much of a hurry to find another boyfriend because I've committed to listening to her, and being there for her.
 
bleh....
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Philisophically, abusive relationships amaze me. Not the relationship itself but the way that females think about their love life. It never ceases to amaze me just how much being in a relationship means to them. More than their safety even. This even carries onto the idea of "serial dating" where someone cannot stand to be single, and can even get extremely depressed. My most recent ex is probably one of the most serious serial daters I have ever met. And I can proudly say that she hasn't dated anyone since we broke up. I don't know whether she's just not over me yet, or if I somehow let her know that I could still be there for her as a friend.

In conclusion do people who feel like they need a relationship, just want someone to be there for them? My ex, as I've found out was psychologically damaged in her youth. And I think she's not in as much of a hurry to find another boyfriend because I've committed to listening to her, and being there for her.

Thank you. I know exactly what you mean, and I've always viewed it as that. I believe these types of "victims" believe they have to be in a relationship, or they simply go into a depression stage. Are there ways around it? I haven't the slightest idea. I don't believe abusing women/men is right, but part of the reason for it happening is the victims fault, if they continue to go back. They give the impression that it's ok to do such things.

My good friend was just like what you described. He wasn't abused or anything, but the relationship was complete poop. They constantly fought, constantly broke up every other day (not exaggerating). The reason being is, he felt he could not be single. That his life would end if he wasn't in a relationship. Sad, yes... Even more sad is the only way he got out of that relationship is because he found someone else... who incidentally turned out to be the exact same way lmao.
 
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I think its really easy for you to sit there and judge someone without walking a mile or even a step in their shoes.

It is so much easier to point fingers and pass opinions about things you aren't directly involved in or give advice that you don't have to follow.

Should people leave their abusive partners? (guys or girls) Yes, they should. But it is not at all as easy as it sounds.

There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. One of them is children. They want their children to have the other parent in their life. Another is fear, they fear whatever abuse they get will be worse if they leave, that the other person will hunt them down and hurt them more, or hurt someone else they care about.

I think most commonly is self-esteem which has been touched upon in this thread. I don't agree that it is because these people are always obsessed with being in a relationship. I think that the self-esteem is a larger factor than the relationship itself. See abusive people are manipulative and very good at exploiting weakness. They make sure there is just enough "good times" to keep the person interested. Eventually those become less and less and the victim is made to feel like it is their fault. It isn't that the women are crazily trying to fix the man, they are lead to believe that the problems are their fault. This takes its toll on them and their already bad self-esteem.
With a bad self-esteem its easier to feel like it really is their fault, instead of seeing more clearly that it is not. The saying love is blind can apply here as well. Sometimes when you really care about someone you don't always see their faults, even if it is those faults that are hurting you.

I'm sure every situation is a little different. I know personally I was in an abusive relationship for almost 5 years. He was my first. I told him from the start I wouldn't put up with being hit, so he never hit me. He shoved me around, he emotionally abused me (treated me like garbage), he cheated on me, and so forth. I had two things working against me. Before I even started the relationship I always thought I'd only get one chance, because I really thought no one would ever like me. I really had myself convinced that he was the one, and because of that I did a lot of things I shouldn't have to make it work. It took time to get strong enough to leave him, and I went back too, many times. Fortunately he never got in the way of any of my real life goals, and I wasn't stupid enough to have any kids with him. (because you know there are ways to prevent that.)

Anyway just my thoughts. I don't live my life with regret. The only hard thing now is to see other people I'm close to (friends, sister) going through their own lessons. I do think that is what it is, a life lesson I had to learn and watch others learn. I found out the only thing I can do is be supportive of them in good times and bad and wait for them to learn the lesson on their own.

I do agree with you making sure your child is out of harm's way. However I don't think it is ok for you to judge anyone in a situation like this. The only thing you can do is listen and be supportive when it is called for. This doesn't mean enabling them to continue this relationship either. Having gone through it and watching others I care about go through it, I can understand how hard it is on both sides. Try to be encouraging, and I would imagine self esteem is a factor so make sure those people in your life know how great they are and how important to you they are.
 
bleh....
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I think its really easy for you to sit there and judge someone without walking a mile or even a step in their shoes.

It is so much easier to point fingers and pass opinions about things you aren't directly involved in or give advice that you don't have to follow.

Should people leave their abusive partners? (guys or girls) Yes, they should. But it is not at all as easy as it sounds.

There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. One of them is children. They want their children to have the other parent in their life. Another is fear, they fear whatever abuse they get will be worse if they leave, that the other person will hunt them down and hurt them more, or hurt someone else they care about.

I think most commonly is self-esteem which has been touched upon in this thread. I don't agree that it is because these people are always obsessed with being in a relationship. I think that the self-esteem is a larger factor than the relationship itself. See abusive people are manipulative and very good at exploiting weakness. They make sure there is just enough "good times" to keep the person interested. Eventually those become less and less and the victim is made to feel like it is their fault. It isn't that the women are crazily trying to fix the man, they are lead to believe that the problems are their fault. This takes its toll on them and their already bad self-esteem.
With a bad self-esteem its easier to feel like it really is their fault, instead of seeing more clearly that it is not. The saying love is blind can apply here as well. Sometimes when you really care about someone you don't always see their faults, even if it is those faults that are hurting you.

I'm sure every situation is a little different. I know personally I was in an abusive relationship for almost 5 years. He was my first. I told him from the start I wouldn't put up with being hit, so he never hit me. He shoved me around, he emotionally abused me (treated me like garbage), he cheated on me, and so forth. I had two things working against me. Before I even started the relationship I always thought I'd only get one chance, because I really thought no one would ever like me. I really had myself convinced that he was the one, and because of that I did a lot of things I shouldn't have to make it work. It took time to get strong enough to leave him, and I went back too, many times. Fortunately he never got in the way of any of my real life goals, and I wasn't stupid enough to have any kids with him. (because you know there are ways to prevent that.)

Anyway just my thoughts. I don't live my life with regret. The only hard thing now is to see other people I'm close to (friends, sister) going through their own lessons. I do think that is what it is, a life lesson I had to learn and watch others learn. I found out the only thing I can do is be supportive of them in good times and bad and wait for them to learn the lesson on their own.

I do agree with you making sure your child is out of harm's way. However I don't think it is ok for you to judge anyone in a situation like this. The only thing you can do is listen and be supportive when it is called for. This doesn't mean enabling them to continue this relationship either. Having gone through it and watching others I care about go through it, I can understand how hard it is on both sides. Try to be encouraging, and I would imagine self esteem is a factor so make sure those people in your life know how great they are and how important to you they are.

I'm sorry but yes, it is very easy for me to judge. Why? Because in the end, the person has no one to blame but themselves. Yes, you are right, self esteem plays a big factor in it alot of times. Again, it is their fault for having the low self esteem. How is confidence gained? By breaking through any barriers and believing in yourself. The same thing applies here. Yes, I know, I know. If someone repeatedly tells you you're poop, and treats you like it, you eventually believe it. But you also have to look at it from the other standpoint. Who is the one believing it? You are. So in the end, you are solely responsible for becoming that way. Again, do I believe it's right for them to treat females/males that way? Do I believe it's ok to physically harm someone? No, I do not.

Who said I haven't been in an abusive relationship? Granted I was never physically abused, I have been emotionally abused. I was dating a girl for a year. In that year, I gave her 4 chances... 4 chances too many. She continually cheated on me, treated me like poop, and used me for my money. After the 4th time, I smartened up and realized things would never change. I should have realized it sooner but I didn't. I don't blame her for that. I blame myself. Why? Because I allowed her to continue doing the poop she did.

I never said it always had to do with the longing to be in a relationship, as I know it doesn't. I was referring to situations that I have personally witnessed. In my opinion, I believe using children as an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship is beyond moronic. How can you honestly allow your children to grow up in that environment? The chances of them becoming the same is that much greater by staying. If anything, children should be the driving force to up and leave. Also, as far as fear, I can agree with that. Do I think it's a good enough reason? No. The police department exists for a reason. To protect and serve. Put your tax dollars to good use and get yourself out of a bad situation.

I feel in this situation, I have a right to judge. Given my situation, she is putting a man who has abused her over the well being of her only grandson. We can't do anything about it, and she knows that, which is exactly why she is back with him. I know this because there is no threat to her. If we had the money to up and leave, then the threat would be real. She would lose all ties with her grandson. Seeing as how we can't act on our threat, she knows she has the upper hand. Is it right for us to use our son against her like that? You're damn skippy. Once we are out of here, I'll be damned if I'm going to allow my son to go see a grandmother that chose an alcoholic womanizer over him. A person who knew how violent this man is, and willingly wants him to come back into the house, around my son. I have every right to judge, just as she judged her daughter Carrie, (my sister in law) when Carrie was with a guy who abused her. She would always down talk Carrie, saying she's stupid for being with a man that hits her. She would not allow him anywhere near the house. Yet here she is, doing the exact same thing.

Note: In this entire response, please do not take my words as solely talking about you in particular when I use the word "you". I hope you can see the differences and when I was using "you" generally.
 
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I'm sorry but yes, it is very easy for me to judge. Why? Because in the end, the person has no one to blame but themselves. Yes, you are right, self esteem plays a big factor in it alot of times. Again, it is their fault for having the low self esteem.
How is having low self esteem there fault? The guy contributes solidly to destroy it by every insult he makes, and every slap he gives - he wants to weaken her so she cannot have the strenght to even try and get away... With your theory, that the guy, i dont know, says "YOU FAT witch, you have no use!" and it's the girls fault for feeling low about it.

It isnt her fault, she obviously loved the guy enough to believe that she deserves the insuls/abuse.
 
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How is having low self esteem there fault? The guy contributes solidly to destroy it by every insult he makes, and every slap he gives - he wants to weaken her so she cannot have the strenght to even try and get away... With your theory, that the guy, i dont know, says "YOU FAT witch, you have no use!" and it's the girls fault for feeling low about it.

It isnt her fault, she obviously loved the guy enough to believe that she deserves the insuls/abuse.

You seem to have not read the rest, or chose to disregard it. Yes, a guy/girl can say those things, but who is the one believing it. As I stated, confidence is built by overcoming barriers and believing in yourself. Until a person chooses to start believing in themselves and knowing they are better than they are told, they are a major reason for having low self esteem.
 
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You seem to have not read the rest, or chose to disregard it. Yes, a guy/girl can say those things, but who is the one believing it. As I stated, confidence is built by overcoming barriers and believing in yourself. Until a person chooses to start believing in themselves and knowing they are better than they are told, they are a major reason for having low self esteem.
Yes, and i said she obviously loved him enough to believe what he's saying - they dont start off abusive, you cant help love... if you look at any case, the partner isnt abusive from the start, it starts off good maybe up until they are married, or near to it and then the abuser starts his crap because he knows he/she has there partner under there belt.
 
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