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- Sep 29, 2003
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Camel for the Soldiers
A young soldier was sent to serve in the desert. When he arrived his commanding officer welcomed him and then showed him around camp. He showed him where he would sleep, where he would eat, and where he would shower. The young soldier noticed a camel tied up outside of a tent. He asks "What is the camel for?" The officer replies "Oh, that is for when the men get lonely and need to bust a nut."
So a few weeks go by and the soldier hasn't busted a nut since he got there. He decided it was time. He made his way over to where the camel was tied up. He dropped his pants and banged the **** out of the camel.
The commanding officer walks by as the soldier is finishing up and says "That's one way to do it, but why didn't you just ride her into town and get a prostitute like the rest of the men?"
Welfare Office
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshiting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Three Worst Chinese Tortures
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "First Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "Second worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "Third worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
Shy Guy
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Ummm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, $200 DOLLARS?!"
A young soldier was sent to serve in the desert. When he arrived his commanding officer welcomed him and then showed him around camp. He showed him where he would sleep, where he would eat, and where he would shower. The young soldier noticed a camel tied up outside of a tent. He asks "What is the camel for?" The officer replies "Oh, that is for when the men get lonely and need to bust a nut."
So a few weeks go by and the soldier hasn't busted a nut since he got there. He decided it was time. He made his way over to where the camel was tied up. He dropped his pants and banged the **** out of the camel.
The commanding officer walks by as the soldier is finishing up and says "That's one way to do it, but why didn't you just ride her into town and get a prostitute like the rest of the men?"
Welfare Office
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshiting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Three Worst Chinese Tortures
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "First Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "Second worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "Third worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
Shy Guy
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Ummm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, $200 DOLLARS?!"
owned!!
