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etiquette of the Man-Hug by iddqd

Sep 29, 2003
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this goes out to the more homophobic of the uberusers out there, so that they can know how to act when this, that most awkward of cultural institutions; the Man-Hug, occurs.

it is important to know how to correctly execute a successful man-hug, as they are utilised in various occasions throughout our lifetimes, certainly, to greet male family members, but also for other purposes; to share joy at a sporting teams' success, or at a friend telling you he is going to get married. it is usually advisable to perform a man-hug whilst under the influence of a gutful of alcahol, but with these instructions, hopefully you will be able to painlessly snap off a quick hug while sober as a judge.


as you approach, the arms should be extended and raised, in pre-hug readiness. the right arm should be higher than the left, however it is important that the right arm is not too high, and vitally important that the left never, ever be too low. nor should the arms embrace the recipient on too similar a latitude; thats how you hug your girlfriend, and we dont want to confuse anybody, especially yourself, now do we? try and have the right hand 8-12 inches higher than the left.

as you approach, with arms raised and extended as shown, it is usual to omit a long vocal exclamation: "aaaaaaayyyyyyy." as the hug continues, it is proper that this vocalisation assumes a questioning tone: "aaaaaaaayyyyyyy?"

it is at the point of this questioning tone reaching its highest note, that the most important part of the man-hug occurs: the ritual back-slap. THIS IS THE MOST CRUCIAL PART OF THE CEREMONY.
the back-slap is important, because it is where you retain your masculinity whilst in an embrace with another man. see, youre hugging somebody, and this is giving love. in public. (if you are fuzzy about this, i refer you to the "public displays of affection" pamphlet you were all handed in high school) to counteract this possibly homosexual act, you need to cause pain. not much, but just enough, in a ceremonial kind of way that says while you are giving love, you are also giving pain.

i advise the trusty three-beat slap, with enough force to push a little air out of the hugee's lungs. many people also go for the closed-fist beat on the back, and i am one of these people, as it is far more masculine to punch someone, than it is to slap them; and you can never be too careful in this circumstance.

just as both the back-slap (or punch) and the vocals conclude, it is advisable to punctuate your man-hug with one more vocal: a loud, short "aarggh", said with as deep, and as growly a voice as you can muster. after this, you should disengage from the man-hug and contiue whatever it is that you were doing.

so there you have it, the Man-Hug in all its steadfastly heterosexual glory. i hope i have been of service to some of you reading this today, so that you can proudly go forth and hug to your hearts content.

but not too much, mind. that might seem a little gay.

ps. if you play soccer and are performing a post goal celebration, then you can ignore this; as pretty much anything up to, and including actual penetration is allowed in that particular circumstance.
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