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short piece

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not really sure what to even call this but I just wrote it and wanted to see what peoples 1st reactions would be.

Please keep in mind this is completely unedited. Grammer and spelling will be worse than usual but dont let that bother you :)

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I had been going to the same secret government camp*** for weeks, months or even years at this point. it was a secret lab of

sorts and they were creating something nasty to poison and keep the public in check. Every time I went back I was able to

sabotage something. Whether by blowing it up or stealing something important, I would always ruin their progress on this

horrible creation.

I was always able to escape the same way too, you see I was only 1 person and this laboratory was set in a forest. From the

outside it looked like large circus tents but most of the base was underground. As I escaped, everytime I would dash around the

tents, through a grassy clearing and down a large hill where the trees would start to become more and more protective of me

untill I disappeared into them.

Sometimes I was caught but instantly using my martial arts I was able to throw them down or even to kill them. They were not

human. Their blood was rarely red, I remeber this very well. They would look human but when they got close to me I could see

they were not, it would be like looking into a haze as their faces came closer. A mirage of sorts covered their "alien"

reality. They were incredibly strong but I was always stronger, I was always faster and smarter.

They tried leaving traps in the ground, landmines and horrible devices in the grass to snatch at my legs as I ran. They knew I

would come and they knew where I would exit, they just didn't know when. I had the dangerous element of suprise and the huge

advantage of stealth I could never be stopped. Or at least I thought I could never be stopped.

My friends knew not of my identity and I made it my perogitive to make sure nobody made the connection between me as a

vigilanty and my life as an individual. Somehow they found me. Somehow they found my friends, and they got to them first. The

strange thing about a lie is that even when it is not 1st believed it will still plant its venemous seeds in your mind, this is

what they do. They plant seeds in your mind and you live your life unaware as they grow and polute you and everyone around you,

completely unquestioned. They told my friends I was a criminal, a dangerous criminal that needed to be stopped.

My friends were shown pictures and videos of innocent people maimed, stuck in bear traps, parts blown off by landmines and the

lucky ones lay there dead. Traps set for me had killed many people and I was taking the blame. A huge reward was offered to

anyone who would help catch me. It was that same day that I returned home after a short break away.

I entered the pub alone, instantly confronted by questioning eyes from all angles. "How was the holiday?" I recognised the

faces but I saw anger, hatred and confusion, all sourced with me. Like a zombie army they rose to their feet, some approached

me faster than others and I was hit by terror, waves surged through my body with every heart beat, quickly numbing every part

except my mind. I knew what had happened and I had to leave right now.

I broke through the door to hear my friends shouting me, some were racing after me and others calling angrily. Others were

waiting outside, some of my closest friends were there holding chains and bats. My eyes filled with tears and all my power was

taken from me. I had hesitated and while both my wrists were caught from behind I fealt a sharp stab in the back of my neck. It

was not a knife, I was certain of that for the force would would have killed me. Slowly I fealt the long needle draw from my

flesh and my vision began to blur. Rapidly my friends became ghosts, their voices echos in the darkest of caves. My willpower

was a tiny flame and their shadows were cast upon the walls towering above me. I fell to one knee and blinked. It felt like my

eyes would never open. I was filled with rage, what had been done!? What had they been told? How had my closest childhood

friends been convinced to do this to me? With a vicious blast of strength a pushed them all away, I stood to face them, they

were judas, I had been sold and for all the wrong reasons. Quickly they grabbed me again, I could see they didn't all believe

the lies they had been told but they went along with it anyway. I could see the pain in their faces as they held me and they

beat me. To some it was painful I could both see and feel this in my heart, tears flooded my face as I was beaten to the

ground. I could have gotten away, I could still have gathered my strength to kill the closest few and to dive away into the

quickly approaching night, but against my friends I was powerless.

I woke on a table with 3 men holding me to a table and tightly strapping me down, I could see their government insignia but

recognsed little else. I was quickyl sedated by a muttering shrimp of a man in a white suit, his face covered with a mask.

I remember drifting in and out of conciousness to see horrible images before me. I was looking down at myself from outside of

my body. They were mutilating me. Injections all over my body, even in my face. They were opening me up in small parts here and

there, inserting something under my skin, I dont know what but it sure as hell wasn't good for me. Then it was all dark.

Time passed and all I remember was waking in the back of a car as it came to a halt. The door was opened and I was lead out by

a large man in a crisp black suit. He led me to a large wooden door, pushed a small bag into my hands and left with the car. I

was confused and slowly pushed open the door. I had no strength and it took a lot of effort. I entered the building to see the

old familiar pub I was chased from before being taken away. A large collection of my friends were dotted around too, some

glanced over as I entered but looked away as if not recognising me, continuing with their conversations. I walked slowly

towards the main room, a ghost, a spectre, a mere shadow I drifted. My legs were hard to co ordinate and I had to keep

stopping. Reducing myself to a slow shuffle along the carpeted floor. Some who saw my face and looked into my eyes froze for a

second, as if a nightmare had taken their throat. Most shrugged it off but some continued to stare as I walked through. If my

tear ducts still worked I would have burst into tears, my body was broken and it fealt like my soul was in shackles when I saw

my reflection. I was in unfamiliar clothes, blue jeans and a red t shirt with a gold design on the front, I had white trainers

and a red cap with a white logo. My face was swollen and I didnt recognise myself at all. I was no longer in shape, and I was a

far cry from healthy. I could still feel where my face had been punished with needles and sorrow flooded my entire being. They

had wanted this. They could have killed me, easily they could have ended it all but they let me live, if you could call it

living.
 
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ow my eyes are pain xD

must have taken you 2 hours + to right this

when im free i'll read it xD
 
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Trillian why would you even comment without reading it.


Anyhow, that's really interesting man, very descriptive, had to read the whole thing. Last part gets very mysterious... It's kept brief, as in not too much detailed info is released on aliens, the camp, the new body, etc. But that's what makes it so mysterious imo. Is this a short story, or is it a section of a bigger story?

Noticed around 6-7 grammar mistakes lol, but you've already mentioned that it wasn't edited.
Nicely done.
 
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Some nice work man.

Actually got me interested in it and I hate to read books.
 
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ow my eyes are pain xD

must have taken you 2 hours + to right this

when im free i'll read it xD

please dont spam :)

i bashed this out in about 10 minutes this morning, its all wierd looking after I copied and pasted it from notepad

Trillian why would you even comment without reading it.


Anyhow, that's really interesting man, very descriptive, had to read the whole thing. Last part gets very mysterious... It's kept brief, as in not too much detailed info is released on aliens, the camp, the new body, etc. But that's what makes it so mysterious imo. Is this a short story, or is it a section of a bigger story?

Noticed around 6-7 grammar mistakes lol, but you've already mentioned that it wasn't edited.
Nicely done.

thanks mate, this is actually going to be part of a much larger story. just building the main character atm. wrote this morning and wanted to see what peopoles 1st impressions were

Some nice work man.

Actually got me interested in it and I hate to read books.

thats a really nice compliment, thanks mate. what did you like most about it?
 
Mythic Archon
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Same as FMK, I haven't read something in 2 years other than a newspaper, but this kept me interested. First thing that came to mind was that it seemed like a mix between bourne and wolverine from x men. Good job especially for 10 mins :)
 
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Much of it reads like you didn't have much of a plan when you wrote it and didn't put as much thought into descriptions and language as you could have done. And some sentences just seem clumsy or in need of further elaboration. I mean this guy seems pretty nonchalant about being mutilated by aliens and escaping from top secret labs.

I'm talking about things like this:

"Sometimes I was caught but instantly using my martial arts I was able to throw them down or even to kill them"

You'd think that escaping from a top secret lab in the wily woods would be a pretty formidable endeavour by itself, but even if this guy gets caught by superhuman guards it's an event apparently worthy of only a single sentence and a vague explanation. Basically, the language needs more flavour to hold the narrative together and create a more convincing story. It must provoke a sense of verisimilitude - encouraging the audience's suspension of disbelief. Otherwise, it becomes hard to engage with.

Ya getz me bro?
 
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Much of it reads like you didn't have much of a plan when you wrote it and didn't put as much thought into descriptions and language as you could have done. And some sentences just seem clumsy or in need of further elaboration. I mean this guy seems pretty nonchalant about being mutilated by aliens and escaping from top secret labs.

I'm talking about things like this:

"Sometimes I was caught but instantly using my martial arts I was able to throw them down or even to kill them"

You'd think that escaping from a top secret lab in the wily woods would be a pretty formidable endeavour by itself, but even if this guy gets caught by superhuman guards it's an event apparently worthy of only a single sentence and a vague explanation. Basically, the language needs more flavour to hold the narrative together and create a more convincing story. It must provoke a sense of verisimilitude - encouraging the audience's suspension of disbelief. Otherwise, it becomes hard to engage with.

Ya getz me bro?

haha i getz ya :p

to tell the truth it was actually a dream i had last night and i smashed it together as fast as i could, as to not forget it.

It wasn't untill afterwards, I started playing with the idea of using it as part of a larger story. I'll be posting more of it no doubt, if you could read through that too then that'd be great.
 
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please dont spam :)

i bashed this out in about 10 minutes this morning, its all wierd looking after I copied and pasted it from notepad



thanks mate, this is actually going to be part of a much larger story. just building the main character atm. wrote this morning and wanted to see what peopoles 1st impressions were



thats a really nice compliment, thanks mate. what did you like most about it?

The way you opened it, It griped me that i wanted to read more.
 
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wow exy, you never cease to amaze me with your writing. this story was amazing for me, i enjoyed reading it and i was pissed at the end because the story stopped lol. Keep writing!
 
ex visor
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I like how you threw some of your hobbies into the story.(Martial Arts).

This was good indeed, and I myself don't like to read either.
 
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Its not bad. The idea in it is pretty good. It doesn't seem very well formulated. It reads choppily and doesn't flow too. It's also slightly too simplistic. The reader isn't dragged along and there isn't enough description to really get a great feel for. Overall it seems like if you spent more time and revised it once or twice it'd turn out much better.
 
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this is cool and interesting
but it took a long time for u to write and for me to read :p
 
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Trillian why would you even comment without reading it.


Anyhow, that's really interesting man, very descriptive, had to read the whole thing. Last part gets very mysterious... It's kept brief, as in not too much detailed info is released on aliens, the camp, the new body, etc. But that's what makes it so mysterious imo. Is this a short story, or is it a section of a bigger story?

Noticed around 6-7 grammar mistakes lol, but you've already mentioned that it wasn't edited.
Nicely done.
i read abit
 
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