thats not bad m8
,
i would say though sometimes you start a new paragraph and you are still talking about the same thing, i wont botehr quoting incase its just because of how its been copied into here
i think you coul make it a bit better by planning out what ur writing 1st.
Draw a flow chart of your ideas, like a map or the route your written piece is going to take. Then when youve done that draw sideroads of notes and different points you want to make before moving onto the next section
eg
the 1st piece of info you want to put in is the date so itd be like
(1.) DATE
and the 2nd the location, so;
(1.) DATE
(2.) LOCATION
repeat till uve got thru all the major points then add extras like
(1.) DATE
- what else was happening here at that time
- what was happening around the world at that time
(2.) LOCATION
- Location famous for anything else?
etc, you get the idea
Altogether though it was a good article i was just in a constructive critisism mood, i love to write ^_^
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