Things that nobody told you about life but should have

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I think this line fits you, OP:

"[...] This will doom you to a life of shattered expectations as you have already spent about 30% of your existence watching sitcoms."

And

"[...] But if you don't like your plane, you're out of luck."

I strongly disagree with that line. I ain't living on this planet forever. Perhaps I'm moving to a different realm of reality once I'm ded! actually wont cuz hell is beneath us