Jokes

[jerre]

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what
sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they
knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up
and said, "Moooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"
"Baaaa!" answered Jimmy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mother-fucker!"
___________________

Q: How many men does it take to open a cold beer?
A: None. It better damn well be opened AND cold by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men break wind more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.

 

[jerre]

Q: why did God creat the woman?
A: because a dog can't get a beer from the fridge

Q:What do you do when your mother in law comes staggering towards you?
A: shoot again

Q:whats do you do when your woman comes out of the kitchen?
A: shorten the chain

Q: whats the simularity between a tropical storm and a woman?
A: when she comes she looks hot when shes left she has your house and car.

Q: why do sumo-wrestlers shave their legs?
A: then u can see the difference between them and feminists

Q:Whats the shortest way to a woman's hart?
A: right through the chest.
______________________________

and they still deny it

 

[Speedhorn666]

:rofl: That's sum funny poop- U sound like me wit the woman stuff lol, 'A woman's place is in the kitchen' etc:good:

 

[jerre]

try tell this poop in guild lol

told some of em in guild the afternoon the ISP crashed.
The boys laughed, the girls got angry , looks at daisy, i'm sorry girl

 

[Neosparky]

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

 

[Speedhorn666]

Should've expected that.

 

[Solares]

LOL this is getting better n better... keep em comeing

 

[Speedhorn666]

I thought this 1 was pretty good:

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing, so they buried her.
:good:

 

[fenos]

I thought this 1 was pretty good:

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing, so they buried her.
:good:

ah bah!!!
necro-Ducking!!
yuck!

i know only dutch jokes
hoe lang is een chinees?

 

[Capricorn]

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

Oi. What's wrong with that?

 

[Keres]

ooohhh sexist!!!!

ok well I got a few of my own........

Whats the difference between a man and a cabbage?
One is tasteless and smells of farts the other is an healthy vegitable.

Theres an Intelligent man, an intelligent woman and santa in a lift, which one gets out first?
The intelligent woman of course the other two clearly don't exist.

When god made men, she was only joking....

Is wrong to tie a man to the kitchen sink....how do you expect him to reach the ironing???

OK enough for now

 

[Solares]

Theres an Intelligent man, an intelligent woman and santa in a lift, which one gets out first?
The intelligent woman of course the other two clearly don't exist.

Classic

 

[SaNgDrAxE]

A tourist is driving his car on a small country road to Barcelona. Suddenly, a farmer jumps on the road, with an old riffle in his hands. He makes the car stop and orders the tourist to step out of the car.

"Take of your pants", shouts the farmer, pointing the riffle at the tourist.
"Now start masturbating!". The tourist cant do much about it, and so he starts. When he starts cumming, the farmer shouts at him to do it again. The tourist starts objecting, saying that he can't do it twice in such short notice, but the farmer is very persuasive... So the man starts jacking again, and after that he has to do it 6 more times. Finally the tourist looks at the farmer, opens his shirt and says "here, take a clean shot at me, because I cannot do this any longer. I rather die than jack off 1 more time".

"Good", says the farmer, and he shouts "Juanita, come over here". Out of the bushes comes an incredible handsome girl who steps to the car and gets in...

"This is my daughter", says the farmer, "and she needs a ride to Barcelona..."

 

[Solares]

LMFAO!!!! more more

 

[Tupac]

lol @ these heres 1 4 u hope ya like it lol

3 blondes are stranded on a island and when walking along the beach they find a magic lamp and get 3 wishs so they have 1 each.
the first 1 wishes to to be smart so she can get of the island so he turns her into a brunette and she swims off the island.
the second 1 eishes to be even smarter then her so he turns her into a a women with black hair.
the last 1 wishes to be the smartest of all the women in the world so she turns into a man and walks over the bridge LOL

hers another 1

3 blondes walk into a bar




would of thought 1 of them would c it lol

 

[Arronax]

hahahahahahha . nice got any more??

 

[Speedhorn666]

10 Most important ppl in a woman's life:

1. The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots:good:

My m8 just sent me this 1 2:

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer. They observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

 

[Tupac]

lol and just bumping this cos i like to read jokes and woukd like 2 c more

 

[Gilly]

how can u tell when a blond has been using ur P.C ??
there is ti-pex on the screen

 

[alucard1987]

A guy looking for a job finds that a certain mill is hiring
lumberjacks. So he goes out to the mill and talks to the foreman
who tells him all about the job, pay, and housing for all of the
lumberjacks. Everything looks perfect and the guy is ready to go
to work at once.

But when he was walking around he noticed that there weren't any
women around. So he pulls the foreman aside and asks him what
everyone does for sex. The foreman laughs and brings him over to
this big tree that has a hole in it. "This is the Ducking tree.
Whenever you get horny, come over and put your penis in the hole
and duck away. Trust me, it does the trick every time." The man
thinks it's kind of odd, but takes the job anyway.

The days go by and soon the man gets horny. He thinks about
taking it out on the tree, but it still seems weird to him, so
he goes to his room and jacks off. A week passes and the guy
gets hornier and hornier and jacking off isn't enough for him.
So finally he figures, "What the hell," and sneaks over to the
Ducking tree in the middle of the night, whips out his penis and
puts it in the hole. To his surprise, it feels great! Soon
enough he starts to duck the poop out of it. After a great
session he goes back to bed with a big smile.

The next day after a hard day of work, he makes another visit to
the tree and it's even better this time. Again he pounds away at
the tree. He can't believe how amazing the tree is and wonders
what kind of magic tree they have. Things just couldn't get
better for him.

The following day, he runs to the tree after work, hurriedly
takes out his penis and puts it into the sweet warm Ducking tree.
The tree just gets better and better everyday. He goes at it
again, and afterwards can hardly walk.

The next day all he can think about is going back to the Ducking
tree. Every tree that he cuts down is one less tree in his way
of the Ducking tree. Finally the day is done, and he takes off
for the tree. Pulls out his penis, grabs hold of the tree, and
shoves it in. Nothing. The man is shocked. He tries again, but
still nothing. Feeling very frustrated, the man storms off to
the foreman. "What's wrong with the Ducking tree? I've been
there three times already and it's been better each time, but
today, I ran up to it, stuck my penis in and nothing happened.
What the hell happened?" The foreman thinks for a second and
then says, "Oh yeah, I know, didn't they tell you? Today's your
day in the tree."

__________________________________________________

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for
a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he
has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is
outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner
tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a
fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since,
but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is
saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs
his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front
of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down,
but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and
does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her
dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there
is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts
to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs
his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's
father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH
ALREADY. I'LL DO THE Ducking DISHES!!"