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The Jokes Thread...

Everybody loves DTB
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all applied for the job of MI5 hitman. They were put through a rigorous training course, and in the end, they all passed with distinction. They were brought in individually for a final interview.
"Our assassin will need to be utterly ruthless - are you?" they asked the Englishman.
"Of course." replied the Englishman.
"Very well then - you see that gun on the table? You wife is in the next room - kill her."
The Englishman stood up. "Sirs ... I may be ruthless ... but I will not shoot my own wife."
The MI5 chiefs shake their heads sadly. "I'm afraid you cannot be our assassin."
The Scotsman is shown in, and asked the same question. He picks up the gun, and walks into the room, determined to outdo the Englishman. A minute later however, he comes back out.
"I cannae do it." he says shame facedly, "I cannae jist shoot ma wee wife."
Again, the MI5 chiefs indicate that the Scotsman cannot be their assassin.
Finally the Irishman is shown in. He is offered the same challenge. Without a pause he picks up the gun and walks next door. A moment later, there is a loud BANG! Two seconds after that, there is an odd contorted gurgling noise. The Irishman comes back in.
"What idiot put blanks in the gun?" asked the Irishman, "I had to strangle her instead!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men are captured by canibals on a deserted island. The chief walks up to the men and says: You must go into the forest and find ten pieces of the same fruit. Then you must shove the ten pieces up your bottom. If you do this without showing emotion, you will be set free. If not we shall put you on another island to eat later!!!

So the three men go away into the forest. The first man comes back with a bucket of apples and proceeds to shove them up his bottom! He gets one up, but the second causes him to express pain on his face. FAILED! The chief says, and the man is taken to another island to be eaten later.
The second man comes. He holds ten berries. This should be easy for you! says the chief. The man begins to shove the berries up his bottom...
1...2.....3.....4.......5......6.....7....8

He gets to 8 and burst into laughter!
FAILED! The chief bellows and the man is taken to the island.

On the second island, the first and second men are talking to each other.

The first man says, you had 8, why did you laugh???
The second man replies, I saw the third man coming back with pinapples!!!!!
 
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Mental Patients


Jim and Edna are two patients in a mental institution. One day, they are walking by the hospitals pool and Jim jumps into the deep end, sinks to the bottom, and stays there. Edna quickly jumps in, swims to the bottom, grabs Jim and brings him up to the surface and out of the water.

The doctors are all stunned by Edna's act of heroism and they decide that since she acted to quickly to someone in danger, she should be let out of the institution.

So the doctors approach Edna and say to her "Well we have some good news and some bad news for you Edna. " the doctor said "the good news is, we're going to let you out, but the bad news is that your friend Jim, who you saved, hung himself last night, he's dead." Edna, with a confused look on her face says "No no no, Jim didnt hang himself, I hung him out to dry, now when do i get to leave?"



Preacher Joke


One day, two catholic priests are showering in the room at the back of the church before mass starts. They both realize that they forgot to bring soap, so one of the priests decides to run and get some. He doesn't take the time to throw on a towel, and on his way back to the showers he hears some nuns coming around the corner of the hallway.

Not knowing what to do, he backs up against the wall and holds perfectly still with a bar of soap in each hand. Three nuns walk by, and one of them says, "Oh look! A soap machine!" She pulls on the priest's penis, and he drops one of the two bars of soap. The second nun pulls on his penis, and he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun pulls on his penis, and says, "Oh look, I got hand soap!"


The Hotel Manager


A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. The man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."



Religious Views of poop


Taoism-poop happens, so flow with it.

Confucianism-Confucius says, "poop happens."

Buddhism-If poop happens, it isn't really poop.

Zen-What is the sound of poop happening?

Hinduism-This poop happened before.

Islam-If poop happens, it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism-Let poop happen to someone else.

Catholicism-If poop happens, you deserve it.

Baptist-We'll wash the poop right off you.

Judaism-Why does poop always happen to us.

Agnosticism-What is this poop?

Atheism-I don't believe this poop.

Rastafarianism-Hey, this is good poop, mon.

Christian Science-If poop happens it will clean itself up.

Mormonism-Our poop is cleaner than your poop.

Hare Krishna-poop happens, Ramma Ramma!

Jehovah's Witnesses-Let me in your house so I can tell you why poop happens.

7th Day Adventism-poop happens on Saturdays.

Episcopalianism-If poop happens, hold a procession.

Lutheranism-poop happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.

Anglicanism-It's true, poop does happen - but only to Lutherans.

Charismatic Catholicism-poop is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Orthodox-St. Sergius found his faith in deep poop.

Voodoo-poop doesn't just happen- somebody dumped it on you.

Fundamentalism-There's no poop in the Bible.

Native Americans-poop is sacred when it happens.

Shintoism-You inherit the poop from your ancestors.

Shamanism-Whoaa...Holy poop!

Sikhism-Leave our poop alone.

Branch Davidianism-May poop happen to the FBI!

Kibology-What's poop, and where can I get some?

Marxism-The rich poop exploits the poor poop, but deep down all poop is alike.

Socialism-The same poop happens to everyone.

Capitalism-poop happens, and it'll cost you!

Materialism-Whoever dies with the most poop wins.

Vegetarianism-If it happens to poop, don't eat it.

Realism-I think I need to take a poop.

Repressionism-I'll hold this poop in forever.

Americanism-Who gives a poop?




kindie joke


Some kids were going back to scool after summer vacation. They were coming from kindergarden to 1st grade. So the teacher was really about making them grow up. So she tells the kids that they have to stand in front of that class and tell everybody what they did over summer! But they have to use big people words when they do it. So the first kids stands up and says" I went on a choo-choo this summer" That teacher says,"No you went on a train."

So the kid sits down! The second kid stands up and says,"I went and seen my nana". The teacher says,"No, you went to see you Grandmother." So the kids sits down. Little Oscar is in the back watching all this when the teacher calls on him. So he is feeling all confident, and goes a up and says"my father and I read a book." The teachers says,"That was very good, what book did you read?". So Oscars tells her," Winnie The poop!".
 
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Sandwich Artist


Jim and his girlfriend finally decide that they are ready to have sex. With really no place to do it, they are desperate and decide to just go into Jim
 
Legendary Trio - Chocolate Rain
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DonTonberry said:
Three men are captured by canibals on a deserted island. The chief walks up to the men and says: You must go into the forest and find ten pieces of the same fruit. Then you must shove the ten pieces up your bottom. If you do this without showing emotion, you will be set free. If not we shall put you on another island to eat later!!!

So the three men go away into the forest. The first man comes back with a bucket of apples and proceeds to shove them up his bottom! He gets one up, but the second causes him to express pain on his face. FAILED! The chief says, and the man is taken to another island to be eaten later.
The second man comes. He holds ten berries. This should be easy for you! says the chief. The man begins to shove the berries up his bottom...
1...2.....3.....4.......5......6.....7....8

He gets to 8 and burst into laughter!
FAILED! The chief bellows and the man is taken to the island.

On the second island, the first and second men are talking to each other.

The first man says, you had 8, why did you laugh???
The second man replies, I saw the third man coming back with pinapples!!!!!

Lol :laugh:

I've heard this one before.
 
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Commie's Best Lines


"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

--Larry Miller



"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

--Christopher Case



"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger



"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres



"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen



"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

--penis Cavett



"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

--A. Whitney Brown



"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

--Jon Stewart



"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone



"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson



"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

--Jack Mayberry



"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien



"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

--Bruce Baum



"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

--Jeff Stilson



"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy



"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

--Rita Mae Brown



"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

--Rita Rudner



"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld



"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman


"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

--Jay Leno



"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

--Lily Tomlin



"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld



"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."

--????
 
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Female pilot




As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."



A Tough Choice



There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know
which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and
see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works,
and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for
you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so
much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests
the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our
future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent
the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.




Professor & Chief



A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.
One day, the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked.

The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino. Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then reasoned, "Let's make a deal... you don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
 
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fire truck


A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck.''
The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''


Virgin Airlines Excellant Customer Service


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "duck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."





Prize Gorilla


A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
 
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6 Shots of Tequila
A man walks into a bar looking rather depressed and asks for 6 shots of tequila. The bartender asks, "Oh man, what happened, friend?" The man replies, "I just found out my brother is gay"

The next day the same man walks into the bar looking rather depressed and asks for 6 shots of tequila. The bartender asks, "Oh man, what happened this time, friend?" The man replies, "I just found out my other brother is gay"

The next day the man walks into the bar looking really depressed this time and asks for 6 shots of tequila. The bartender asks, "Damn, doesn't anyone in your family like women??" The man replies, "Yeah, my wife."





Sandpaper Sally- Gross Joke
A new guy at work ask some of his co-workers if there is anything to do around this town. So the go workers take him to the local bar. after an hour of drinking, this girl walks into the bar. the new guy sees her and askes the co-workers who she is. The co-workers say thats Sandpaper Sally. and you do not want to mess with that. The new guy asks why and one of the co-workers says. well everytime u duck her, it feels like sandpaper.

The new guy doesn't believe them so he goes over to Sally and starts buying her drinks.

Later that night they are back at her place and they start going at it. after a few seconds the new guys is like "wow this really does feel like sandpaper" Sally says "oh im sorry ill be right back."

After being in the bathroom for a couple minutes. shes comes back out and they start going at it again. its feeling great. The new guy asks, "This feels great, did u use some motion lotion?".

Sally says "No, i just picked the scabbs and let the puss run out."




African Roulette
An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."
 
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Military Joke




Early Retirement - American Version



The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the
general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of
points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my
penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested
that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to
do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the
pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said.
"Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."




Early Retirement - British Version



After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man's body.

The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.

The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.

Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where would you like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!" retorted the private. The commander replied, "I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your decision." He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!!" The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"




Rude, Arrogant and Obnoxious American



He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he
finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for
three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I
just please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You
Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also
obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the
dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was
speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other
seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans
fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you
Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side
of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you
have just thrown the wrong witch out of the window!"




Angry Colonel



A crusty old air force colonel finds himself at a gala event
hosted by a local arts college. There is no shortage of young,
idealistic ladies in attendace, one of whom approaches the
colonel for conversation.
"Excuse me," says the woman, "but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something botheing you?"
"No," the colonel says, "I'm just serious by nature."
The young lady looks at his awards and decorations and says, "It
looks like you've seen a lot of action."
"Yes, a lot of action," replies the colonel.
"Look," says the girl, angry at this unconversational nature.
"You should lighten up a little. Relax. Enjoy yourself."
When the colonel replies that he already is, the girl snaps.
"Stop being so formal!!" she shouts."I mean, when was the last
time you had sex?"
The colonel looks at her. "well, that would have to be 1955," he
replies.
The girl cackles in triumph. "That's it," she laughs. "You've
got hung up on sex. You need to chill out! No sex since
1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
"Oh I don't know," says the colonel,glancing at his watch.
"It's only 2130 now."
 
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Modern Military Terms




Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up."

Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small."

Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders."

Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs."

Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours."

Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim"

Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving"

Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up"

An Asset is "something that can be blown up"

Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"





Axioms of engagement



Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short
All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
When your attack is going really well, its an ambush
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
Incoming fire has the right of way.




This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.




Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.




Paratroopers Training



A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He
went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
aeroplane.
The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the
Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen
men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left
on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me
to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the
door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 225 lbs. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.'
So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it
was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door,
or I'm sticking this up your arse.' "
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."



"BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE! IN THE ARMY!"



God and an angel were watching an Airman rowing a boat across a lake on his leave. God said to the angel "Watch what happens when I zap away a part of his brain," God did so, and the Airman began singing "Row row row your boat!" God and the angel shared a laugh and God took away a little more of the poor Airman's brain. "Row...row...row... your...boat" he sang, more slowly with each brain zap. Finally he only had a small section of his brain left and he was a drooling mess floating helplessly in the water. The angel asked God what would happen if He zapped away his whole brain. "Let's see," replied God, and he pointed his finger at the Airman and zapped away the last bit of his brain. Suddenly the Airman snapped to attention and began singing, "BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE! IN THE ARMY!"



At the Interview



A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my testicles, so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about your injury, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we can get right to work.
The guy says, "If working hours are 8 to 4 why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the government, we just sit around and scratch our nuts for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for that."



Uncle Dave



a teacher asked her class to tell a story with a moral to the story. billy raised his hand. the teacher called on him.
"when my uncle dave was in vietnam, his plane got shot down. all he had was his pistol, a knife and a bottle of gin. so he drank the bottle og gin, and jumped out of the plane. when he got down, he was surrounded by 15 enemy, he shot and killed 11, stabbed 3 to death, and killed 2 with his bare hands."
"that's nice" the teacher said. "but where's the moral?"
"the moral is, don't Frost with uncle dave when he's drunk" the boy replied
 
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Med School


First year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy Class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table, with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it Is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck a finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing I did," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but Eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger, and sucked on my index finger. Now pay attention."
 
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Tequila

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out.
The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!".
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."
He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet.
A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to
him, "You're really an idiot when you're drunk, Superman."
 
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Supermodels



Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a supermodels' conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces:

'We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing-assume the brace position immediately!"
The three models start preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What the hell are you doing fixing your face when we are about to crash!"
Claudia responds, "I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for and save first, the ones with the best looking faces, which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh, which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, "Cindy, have you lost your senses?
Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?"

Cindy responds, "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with big beautiful breasts, which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle".

Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, "Naomi, are you crazy?
Why are you exposing your crutch for everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds, "Bitches, please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for is a black box!"





Car Accident




A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us!
 
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Awesome Blonde Joke




A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."






The Triplets




There is a pregnent lady who is going to have triplets and is in labor and driving to the hospital so she can have her babies properly conceived. But while she's on the way she is stopped at a traffic lght and three gang members try to jack her car and end up shooting her in her stomach three times.

But luckily she is close to the hospital When she is shot, so once she gets to the hospital the doctor gets all the kids out and tells her that they are all fine, but they couldn't find the bullets inside the lady. So about 12 or 13 years later the doctor had told the lady that each of the kids had one bullet inside of them, but they didn't need surgery because eventually they would crap or piss them out.

So now the lady had three kids two girls and one boy. One day the first girl goes up to her mom and she is crying her eyes out and her mom asks her waht's wrong and she says that she crapped out a bullet and her mom says I knew it would happen one day and tells the girl that everything is ok.

So a couple hours later the second girl goes up to her mom and she is crying her eyes out and her mom says let me guess, you crapped out a bullet and the girl says, How'd u know and her mom said it's a long story. But then a couple hours later her son comes in the room and he's covered in blood and he's crying and his mom says," Let me guess you crapped out a bullet and he says, "no, I was jacking off and I shot the cat."

Bear and Rabbit
There's this forrest, and a majical turtle lives in it. One day he sees a bear chasing a rabbit so he stops them and tells them that they can each have 3 wishes.

For his 1st wish the bear says that he wishes all the bears in this forrest were female except for him. Done.

The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle." The turtle and bear are a bit confused, but the wish is granted anyways.

For his 2nd wish the bear says "I wish that all the bears in the neighbouring forrests were female except for me." Done.

The rabbit wishes for a helmet.

For his 3rd wish the bear says "I wish that all the bears in the whole world were female except for me." Dobe.

The rabbit says "I wish that the bear was gay." And he jumps on his motorcycle and rides away.


Swing Set jokes




Q: Why did the girl fall off the swing?

A: because she had no arms.

Q: Why did the BOY fall off the swing?

A: he was laughing at the girls with no arms.



Rich Guy ... Poor Guy!




There was a rich guy and a poor guy and it was both their anniverseries. The poor guy asked the rich guy, "What are you buying your wife?". The Rich guy responded, "I'm going to get her a diamond ring and a new car", the poor guy says, "why are you getting her two gifts?".

The Rich guy says "well if she doesn't like the car, then she can still have the ring she can wear". So the rich guy asks the poor guy what that he is getting his wife. The poor guy thinks for a minute and says, "Well I'm going to get her some house shoes and a dildo".

So the rich guy says, "why are you going to get her those two gifts?" The poor guy says, "Well if she doesn't like her house shoes, then she can just go duck herself




Sperm Bank




A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples!!" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."





Soy beans





While going through his wife
 
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the end is near



A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads:

"The End is Near!
Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?"


speeding



The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."



the lecture



The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.



dear bird



A blonde and her brunette boy friend were taking a walk. The boyfriend says, "Oh look. A dead birdie!"
The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"



the accident



A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...
the Wal-Mart manager runs over to the emergency off switch for the horse.
 
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Dudes at a Bar



So there's these two dudes at a bar.. man its the weekend and what not so these 2 dudes are gettin loose and havin a good time right..well like..this drunk just stumbles through the door all random-like and points down one of the guys.."YOU! I just f*ed your mom!" ...everyones like WHOAAA MAN!!

Thinkin theres gonna be a brawl and stuff..but the dude is just like..ye whatever man..so the drunk is a little disappointed and leaves..bout an hour later the drunk comes back..points the same guy out "YOU!! i just f*ed your mom in the a*!!!" everyones like..OOOH..but the guy is just like..ye whatever man screw you..

So the drunk leaves..comes back in a half hour this time..points this same guy down.."YOU!!...." but the guy stops him right there.."Dad..you're drunk..go home..."




Sunday School



Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''




Professional Gambler




During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"




Superman




It's Saturday night and the super heroes are having a party. Batman, Robin, Spiderman, and the Hulk have already arrived. Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off.

Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked lying with her legs apart.

Feeling a bit in the mood, he thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her, and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out, with a great big smile on his face.

At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "did you hear something?"

"Nope," replies the Invisible Man, "but my butt is killing me."




Bug Repellent





A salesman was travelling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"




Day at the Zoo




It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."




Elevator Ride




A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect - 3 - piece suit, great build, nice butt. The bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"
 
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