Dudes at a Bar
So there's these two dudes at a bar.. man its the weekend and what not so these 2 dudes are gettin loose and havin a good time right..well like..this drunk just stumbles through the door all random-like and points down one of the guys.."YOU! I just f*ed your mom!" ...everyones like WHOAAA MAN!!
Thinkin theres gonna be a brawl and stuff..but the dude is just like..ye whatever man..so the drunk is a little disappointed and leaves..bout an hour later the drunk comes back..points the same guy out "YOU!! i just f*ed your mom in the a*!!!" everyones like..OOOH..but the guy is just like..ye whatever man screw you..
So the drunk leaves..comes back in a half hour this time..points this same guy down.."YOU!!...." but the guy stops him right there.."Dad..you're drunk..go home..."
Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
Professional Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Superman
It's Saturday night and the super heroes are having a party. Batman, Robin, Spiderman, and the Hulk have already arrived. Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off.
Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked lying with her legs apart.
Feeling a bit in the mood, he thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her, and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out, with a great big smile on his face.
At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "did you hear something?"
"Nope," replies the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me."
Bug Repellent
A salesman was travelling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"
Day at the Zoo
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Elevator Ride
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect - 3 - piece suit, great build, nice butt. The bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"